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Tradesman refusing to show interest in what you do for a living

Updated: Dec 6, 2021


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The plumber unblocking the pipe under your sink is steadfastly refusing to show any interest in what you do for a living, despite the ridiculous amount of questions you are asking him about his own work, it has been confirmed.



You have spent nearly all of the two hours he has spent in your house hovering awkwardly behind him, firing questions at him as if you were Adam Boulton interrogating an evasive politician, yet he hasn't once done the decent thing and asked you about your role as a psychology tutor in your local secondary school.



This, despite your sadly obvious attempt to drawing him in when you passed him a cup of tea by saying 'Hope you don't mind if I go and take a couple of calls - I was lucky school were able to give me the morning away to come and let you in to be honest, what with how busy it is....'.



Starting off with standard chit chat about whether he was busy for this time of year, and how had he been affected by the pandemic, you moved on to increasingly odd queries about how much time off he managed for his lunch, and whether his wife was always asking him to do plumbing jobs at home, all done with the underlying motive of getting him to reciprocate with some questions about your own work, and in turn, making you feel like you have some shared experience and mutual understanding of the trials and tribulations of modern capitalist society.


You now are left with two choices: either refuse to pay or let him leave until he asks you at least one question about whether you live in constant fear when teaching a group of bottom set year 11 kids (you do); or accept that he just doesn't respect you and the gaps between his manual labouring activity and your more cerebral work endeavours are just too great to bridge.


'Nice guy, but classic middle-class inferiority complex combined with the need to validate his own professional identity through engagement and reinforcement activities with others', noted the plumber to his mate as he left your gaff. 'Would have been good to ask him more about this if he'd given me half a chance - I did study it for 4 years in my Harvard PhD after all'.






EU employ French Brexit negotiator to shrug and pretend not to understand English


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The European Union has employed French politician Michel Barnier to oversea the Brexit negotiations from the EU side, who was chosen for his particularly annoying shrug and his ability to pretend that he doesn't speak a word English, despite being fluent in the language.


'The United Kingdom has voted to leave the European Union, and that is understandable because they are very stupid' he said unhelpfully at the start of negotiations. 'Now I will leave you to eat your disgusting English sandwiches at your computers while I have a delicious three course lunch between noon and three o'clock.'


Throughout the negotiations Barnier has made it clear he intends to criticize English cuisine, the British public transport system and the failure of the English football team to win anything in the last half century.


'We intend to make Britain regret its decision to leave the EU' he told reporters. 'Every suggestion that they make, I will just shrug and say 'Ce n'est pas possible.' And then even if they speak perfect French I will laugh at their accent and say 'Je ne comprends pas!'


'In the end, the British will find the job of leaving the EU much too difficult, and will pay a load of Poles to do it for them.'







Dr Who is a woman so it’s a life of crime for me, says boy, 8


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Future criminal Oscar Oldroyd is 8 years old and confirmed his intention to live a life filled with villainy and heinous deeds because Dr Who is a played by a woman.


‘Dr Who is at least 900 years old and from the planet Gallifrey. I know it’s a story though.’ said Oldroyd, thus demonstrating a greater understanding of the difference between fact and fiction that most Tory Culture Secretaries.


The news that Dr Who is a fictional immigrant rather than a real one is thought to have turned Priti Patel into whatever the opposite of a weeping angel is.


Oldroyd continued ‘However, the Doctor is played by Jodie Whittaker and it could even be another woman next. As a result I’ve got no alternative but to grow up and steal from grannies on pension day, just to sustain the cocaine habit I’ll develop working as a merchant banker and later a Tory MP and later a disgraced Tory MP. If Matt Smith or David Tenant were still doing it, I’d be on a righteous path - it’s unfortunate but there it is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to practice being a sexist pig. I've got work to do unless I want my crime as organised as Boris Johnson's haircut. It’s a good job that there aren’t any toxic masculine role models in the highest echelons of British politics, otherwise I’d really be in trouble.’


When asked what he’d like from Santa, Oldroyd said simply ‘A shiv.’






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