Nick Clegg discovered bound & gagged, with a daffodil clenched between both buttocks

The Deputy Prime Minister had been left in charge of Downing Street but naively sent out a Facebook invitation to his three remaining Lib Dem friends. The intended party soon spiralled out of control, after word spread online, attracting an angry crowd of 116 Tory MPs.

The carnage at Number 10 had been quickly uploaded by tweeting revellers and had been 'trending' all night long. Metropolitan Police said no one was injured at the party but were quick to point the finger of blame at high-spirited euro-sceptics 'off their t$ts on cheap cider'. Witnesses at the party claimed one MP defecated in the PM’s bed, while another was last seen heading off behind the potting shed, offering to take it both ways from UKIP & the Tory voters.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/nickype-10327513/

Toff's shock as court ruling gives green light to cruising commoners

Sir Nigel Pithers, who lost his case to sue a cruise company for having "ordinary people" as passengers aboard one of its luxury liners, is in shock after the ruling now appears to green light the general public being allowed on cruise liners without first having to pass a basic etiquette test.

Speaking after the hearing, the fifty-two year-old claims cruising’s exclusivity has "now all but gone", citing as an example how he and wife Daphne had to "endure mixing with quasi-yobbos" during what he says was a "two week ordeal worse than hell".

He told reporters: ‘We began to have serious misgivings on the flight out to rendezvous with the vessel, when we could hear what sounded like northern accents coming from a few rows in front of us. But that was only the beginning.

On the first evening we went for a pre-dinner stroll on the promenade deck, but were immediately confronted with all sorts of rough types, cackling and drinking beer from bottles. There was even a party of obese men and their equally ghastly wives in singlets and Union Jack shorts.

‘When they spotted Daphne in her ball gown they called out "Ooh, look, It’s Lord and Lady Muck out for their stroll. Here, has he taken you up the poop deck yet, darling?" It was quite horrendous. We took to our suite for the remainder of the voyage and only came out for final disembarkation.’

Sir Nigel is considering an appeal but fears he's not got the courage to see it though, as it would inevitably mean having to leave his country estate and risk having to mix with the public at large once again.

Ship City Harbor - Free photo on Pixabay

Storm Cummings causes massive blackouts in the sunlit uplands

The sunlit uplands have been plunged into perpetual darkness after a severe storm swept across the region, leaving a trail of slime in its wake.

The Met Office has been forced to issue red alerts and warnings about structural damage after an alpine tunnel collapsed. Utility companies have been working around the clock to restore lost power, but officials say they are fighting a losing battle.

'Storm Cummings could be the worst storm to hit the Uplands in living memory,' said a spokesman for Western Power. 'The pastures are completely ruined, and it's unlikely the lights will ever come on again. This is way more than significant damage; we are talking complete obliteration. It's like a volcano has erupted. The only difference is that a volcano causes slightly less damage.’

‘All we can do is advise people to hide behind a facemask, mumble something unintelligible and keep their fingers crossed.'

Mountains Field Clouds - Free photo on Pixabay