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Government hatches plan to put an end to free range toddlers


The UK intends to lead the world in intensive battery raised toddlers. The Education Minister explained: 'Each toddler, up to the age of 4, will be in connecting cages sharing common divider walls. There will be a grain feeder above their heads and a conveyor belt beneath, to remove soiled nappies.


'Yes, there will be some inevitable problems with flies and the odd incident of cannibalism,' she conceded. 'But for the most part the threat of maceration by the high-speed grinder should keep the little darlings in check.


'Parents can also recoup some of the childcare costs by enrolling their son or daughter on our chimney cleaning initiative. What we have learnt from decades of Tory policy in relation to the hospitals, job centres, graveyards or even football stadiums – packing them in is always the safest policy.


'Too many parents are struggling and quite frankly, we need the eggs.'





IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/lolame-37761/

'Big Dog has shit on the carpet once too often’ says Tory donor



A Big Dog kept at 10 Downing Street by Tory donors has shit on the carpet once too often said one of its owners.

Speaking from his home in Monaco, Russian billionaire Sergi Merkatz - who owns several properties across London - criticised the dog for leaving yet another putrid stench festering on the Downing Street carpet.

Mr.Merkatz said the old dog was no longer able to carry out simple commands or come to heel when ordered to by its masters and so the time had come to replace the mutt with a dog that knew how to behave.

‘We were prepared to overlook the indiscriminate humping, the daily arse licking, the constant need for attention….but not understanding basic commands is the last straw. If I throw something on the Cabinet table then I expect the dog to fetch it for me….if I tell him to roll over I expect him to do it without question.

I haven’t donated £1.2m to the Tory party just to watch this incontinent dog shitting everywhere….. they need to clean up his mess and get a dog that realises who its masters are.

It is time to have the old dog put down'.


Johnson to call Trump to corroborate his story



Boris Johnson has denied that he knew that people having a party in his garden were having a party in his garden.

"Furthermore, I am delighted to announce that former - or should I say, the real - President, Donald Trump will confirm that he was on the phone to me when I was supposed to hearing about the so-called party."

Mr Trump confirmed this; "I can announce this announcement; Barry Johnson is a close, close friend of mind. Top guy. I knew him when he was a student of mine at Oxford and Cambridge University in Stratford-on-Avon. He definitely didn't say he was arranging a bigly party. I'd have remembered, I have a great memory. Gary Johnson, great guy. We talked about science stuff and the vaccinofe I'd invented. May my skin turn orange if it's not true."


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