iPhone sales surge in anticipation of Weiner’s ‘weiner’

Shares of the smartphone rose by nearly 5% as news reached Wall Street that another Democratic ‘schlong’ was about to go viral on Twitter. The New York mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner, quickly confirmed that the release on new lewd photos was a key part of the iPhone’s new marketing campaign.

We interviewed one over-excited consumer: ‘Last time was like soooo amazing!’ she gushed. ‘Ya, Carlos Danger is like hot. Bill Clinton was a Nokia 3310 but Weiner makes my iCloud moist’. Apple have produced a series of grainy underwear shots with the tagline: ‘Why not capture a 240 degree panoramic view of the Grand Canyon…or your k$ob? Weiner guarantees 4.5 inches and a stream that won’t stop.’

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/fernandovillalobos-1265786/

Local news reporter needlessly out in storm

Amy Armstrong has been outside, needlessly doing pieces to camera in extremely high winds, sometimes right next to a sea wall for added drama.

Cameraman Luke Lyle said, 'If she gets drenched by a big wave or blown over, that will get us on 'It'll be alright on the night'. But the real money shot is her having a Mary Poppins moment - sent flying through the air by the storm or swept out to sea, presumably to her death. It's good TV though, think of the repeat fees.'

Armstrong added 'I'm going to interview a local eccentric, out walking despite the weather. He'll talk about the nanny state and how they never had red alerts in his day and deny the existence of climate change - ideally before he gets swept out to sea or gets smashed to smithereens by a falling tree or says something racist. Then I'll go national - fuck Mary Poppins.'

Met Office warns Britain to brace for freak fine weather event

The UK is being told to brace for the greatest freak weather event of 2022 – a day with no storm force winds, pelting rain or blizzards when people in some parts of the country may even get a glimpse of the sun.

"We are issuing a fine weather warning," said a Met Office spokesman, "because it may come as a severe shock to some people to go through a day in which trees are not blown across train tracks, roofs are not wrenched-off arenas, and millions of homes are not plunged into darkness by power cuts.

"Following Storms Dudley, Eunice and Franklin, we'll be calling this rare event "Fair Weather Anthea", and we predict it will happen sometime in the next month … or at least in the next year.

"It's an 'A' name because it'll be the first day of the year when the weather doesn't make you want to die, and it's named after TV's Anthea Turner because we forecast conditions will be pleasant, breezy and ever so slightly unexciting."

Chancellor Rishi Sunak will outline plans in parliament to mark the day by raising a new 'Fair Weather Tax' on households - a variant of the Treasury's lucrative 'Windfall Tax', which it raises on people who have had bits of their property ripped down by gale-force winds.