London Mayor insists Russian tanks will pay the congestion charge like everyone else

Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has warned President Putin that if his tanks arrive in the UK shortly after demolishing Ukraine and the rest of Europe, he'll pay a heavy price.

'We're not just talking about increasing the service charge on the multi-million-pound apartments snapped up by filthy rich oligarchs. No, we're going to hit Putin where it hurts. His 50-ton tanks all run on diesel, so they'll be paying the full £15.00 charge a day. I can't see any proposed invasion of the UK lasting that long while it incurs significant levels of costs.

'I've also spoken to TFL and the unions to organise tube and bus strikes as soon as the tanks and soldiers reach London. They won't be able to bully Islington and Kensington into submission if they can't travel anywhere, will they? However, if they behave themselves and services are restored, we could issue them with Oyster cards. They'd then be able to take advantage of off-peak and discounted rates as we could classify them as being on work placement in the capital.'

image from pixabay

Save on Winter fuel costs – use the elderly as kindling

One Eugenicist explained: ‘It’s a delicate balance between caring and supporting the weakest in society, but not really wanting to pay for them. If a few more of the elderly would have the good grace to pop their clogs a little earlier, we could make serious inroads into the pensions deficit’.

The Department for Work and Pensions propose to give them a helping hand or a little push in the right direction: ‘We’re looking to shave off a smidgeon of their life expectancy – TV licences made of asbestos, lead-coated bus passes and giving them a nice warm coat, made to look like a large badger suit’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/hg-fotografie-2282886/

Second Hand Hot Tub Market Buoyant

Anyone wanting to buy a hot tub has a wealth of second-hand options to choose from this year. The lockdown one novelty has entirely worn off and people are no longer spending time being moist with their household in the back yard. The snobbery of inflatable versus traditional wooden has reversed, with the inflatable purchasers being able to reclaim their outdoor space and shove the deflated PVC into the shed.

Hot tubs have now overtaken trampolines as the cumbersome garden eyesore that estate agents try to ignore. Long abandoned trampoline Jumpy McJumpface said “It’s all fun and games when you join the neighbours in the latest outdoor craze but a few years down the line when you can feel your elastic sagging and birds have pooed on you quite comprehensively it’s a different matter.”

image from pixabay

author : saraht