Ransomware infects Tory party.

The Tory Party has revealed that a particularly malignant form of ransomware has been discovered within the organisation. Currently the official party line is “no comment”. However a source within Number 10 has admitted that the infection has brought all activities to a halt.

“We have brought in experts to help us remove the ransomware and get back to (what passes as) normal. We are advised that we have a particularly nasty and infectious version known as the Boris variant. Unfortunately we are at an early stage of recovery and it is unclear what the hackers are actually asking for and how the virus can be removed.

We have tried using recommended cleaning methods such as the Jimmy Savile Slur recovery tool but these only seem to have made things worse.

Until we can resolve this issue then the usual government activities will remain at a standstill. No lockdown parties, no issuing untendered contracts to chums and / or con artists, and even worse no funding from friendly Russian oligarchs.

The worst-case scenario will be to delete everything and start all over again – also known as the Gove option.

All members of the Cabinet are united in their support for the Prime Minister. It is purely coincidental that they have formed an amateur dramatic society and are currently rehearsing Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar”.

Image: TheDigitalArtist | Pixabay

Prime Minister triumphant after by-election landslide

The Prime Minister was reported to be ‘cock-a-hoop’ after the result of yesterday’s by-election was announced. He has been quoted as saying:-

“This is a great result for me, and also possibly for the Tory party. All those prophets of doom – so-called journalists, Tory back benchers, The Chancellor, people with integrity etc. etc. – have been proved utterly and completely wrong. I congratulate whoever won (I’ve temporarily forgotten his name), wherever it was.

Our candidate won 84% of the vote! And where did the Labour and Liberal Democrats come? Nowhere!!

To use of a phrase of a great Conservative icon, I promised that Boris’ll fix it and I have!

There have been some irresponsible comments recently that 100% correct facts that I stated in Parliament were somewhat misleading. All I did was suggest that the Rt. Honourable Leader of the Opposition was an odious kiddy-fiddling spawn of Satan who was personally responsible for Jack the Ripper not being prosecuted. This of course was pure Parliamentary cut-and-thrust and banter. It was nothing personal and I have graciously accepted Kier’s apology.

Anyway, onwards and upwards! Rejoice!! The Bozza is back!!! Let the partying begin!!!!”

Cummings still waiting for job reference from last employer.

It is rumoured that after 12 months of unemployment Dominic Cummings is still struggling to find work, as despite numerous job offers after interview, he never seems able to get a character and professional reference from his previous job.

"I don't get it" fumed the former special advisor, "I go into the interview, fix the panel with the old hypno-eye-stare and all goes well. But then I get turned down! Me! I mean, all I need is a letter testifying to how I dress appropriately for the workplace, work well in a team, yada yada yada - and it never seems to arrive! Typical useless civil service. Or maybe it's those layabout postmen chucking all my glowing testimonials in the bin so they can clock off early. Britain today, I ask you!"

Companies as diverse as management consultants Strategy R Us, political think tank U Pay We Say, and policy affairs consultancy Inside Track refused to comment on their reasons for turning down Mr Cummings, however Jocasta Runcorn, Head of Talent at "industry and government affairs specialists" Backscratcher, said "We ask all new recruits for a written statement from their former employer - a WhatsApp will suffice - attesting to their loyalty and discretion. No further comment."

However, one source close to No. 10 was heard to mumble "thinks he's clever does he, Mr Cunnings? Thinks he'll take me down and ruin my career? Well, two can play at that game. And for once - in fact, first time ever I think - telling the truth actually works in my favour."

Image: trudi1 | Pixabay