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Ransomware infects Tory party.

The Tory Party has revealed that a particularly malignant form of ransomware has been discovered within the organisation. Currently the official party line is “no comment”. However a source within Number 10 has admitted that the infection has brought all activities to a halt.

“We have brought in experts to help us remove the ransomware and get back to (what passes as) normal. We are advised that we have a particularly nasty and infectious version known as the Boris variant. Unfortunately we are at an early stage of recovery and it is unclear what the hackers are actually asking for and how the virus can be removed.

We have tried using recommended cleaning methods such as the Jimmy Savile Slur recovery tool but these only seem to have made things worse.

Until we can resolve this issue then the usual government activities will remain at a standstill. No lockdown parties, no issuing untendered contracts to chums and / or con artists, and even worse no funding from friendly Russian oligarchs.

The worst-case scenario will be to delete everything and start all over again – also known as the Gove option.

All members of the Cabinet are united in their support for the Prime Minister. It is purely coincidental that they have formed an amateur dramatic society and are currently rehearsing Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar”.

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