Fatberg in central London clogging up the system found to be Boris Johnson

The largest fatberg found yet has been discovered in central London. Residents had been complaining of a putrid stink for several years, but not enough people could work out what it was.

'A lot of sh!t has been piling up,' said Doreen Jam from Marylebone. 'It's like all of the excrement of the world has been overflowing into the streets, and it has spread as far as the nose can smell.

Nothing has been getting through, and there is this general feeling that the entire place is going down the sewer. It's like there is an enormous blockage somewhere, stopping anything useful or helpful from happening. The general feeling is that the future looks bleak and it is probably Europe's fault.

'But then some people who knew what they were doing went to investigate and it turned out it was the Prime Minister. It is disheartening to learn that so many thoughtless people have contributed to this immense problematic lump. It is refusing to budge and we could be stuck with it for a very long time. Turns out you can't just flush it away, and in the meantime it's going to continue to ruin everyone's life.

'This disgusting mass of congealed, useless fat has been causing a blockage for years. But I still have an urge to vote for it.'

Image: rauschenberger | Pixabay

Singing can raise spirits says MP

Another MP has offered advice to Britons worried by rising prices and facing financial hardship.

Noah Eydeer, the MP for Head-In-The-Sand, suggested that people who are concerned by rising prices should turn to singing to raise their spirits.

"I understand what a jolly rotten time members of the public are having, but people do have a choice about how they react in a situation and I think that singing is a wonderful way raise their spirits. Rather than spending time worrying about where the next meal is coming from or how they will pay the fuel bill, why not belt out a few verses of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin or "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" by Monty Python.

The MP also suggested that if households have "Sing-offs" with neighbours outside the food bank, then that could lead to a stronger community spirit. "That would take their mind off needing to eat."

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/dangkhoa1848-19024984

Author: urbanhermit

Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/piro4d-2707530/