Liz Truss reveals ambition to become Queen

In an in-depth interview today, Prime Minister Truss explained how she only accepted the role of Prime Minister to get the inside track on how the Queen operates. An aide explained that Truss had long expressed a desire to become the reigning monarch but had been unable to find out where you applied, who you bribed or even a job description.

'The money is clearly enough,' suggested the aide, 'and Liz is more than capable of making off-colour comments about foreign dignitaries and their subjects,' before being reminded that had been Prince Philip's role. 'Anyhow, I'm sure she'll be clocking what the Queen does in Balmoral and will be paying very close attention on her weekly meetings. Some of us suspect the Queen is likely to retire or something sometime soon, and Liz will be right in there,' the aide confirmed.

A Palace spokesperson declined to comment on the application process but repeated that HM the Queen had been declared as fit for work by the DWP, as has Prince Philip, and didn't see her standing back just to claim benefits, especially as that would mean she would be liable for her dual fuel bills instead of the taxpayer.

Wax Figure Queen Elizabeth - Free photo on Pixabay

Smirking top of Truss agenda

After assembling a cabinet of acolytes, the Prime Minister has listed the concerns of the population with an objective of ignoring them in rank order. 'Obviously energy bills are on the list,' said a spokesperson, 'as is the cost of living. Inflation might get a mention - not sure if anyone has noticed yet - and breaking the law by ignoring the Northern Ireland Protocol isn't on the horizon.

'But we're definitely going to do something about smirking now that Priti Patel has resigned - that's the Prime Minister's highest priority. We've just got to decide whether to reduce or increase it. After that, job done for the year.'

Lips Mouth Lipstick - Free photo on Pixabay

Inebriated Boris sang ‘My Way’ at his leaving p*ss-up

According to reports from Downing Street, a leaving party held for outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson became a monumental p*ss-up, where alcohol flowed by the suitcaseful. An inebriated Boris was seen climbing onto a table, wearing a wastepaper bin on his head at a rakish angle, and holding a champagne bottle like a microphone he sang his own version of the Sinatra classic, ‘My Way’:

“And now, the end is near

And so I face the final curtain.

I’ve been a great PM,

The very best, of that I’m certain.

What fun! I’ve had a ball,

Not even lockdown could spoil my day,

I partied through it all,

Cos that is my way.

“Affairs, I’ve had a few,

And more kids than I can mention.

I told a lot of lies,

I was the master of invention.

I helped out all my mates,

I sent massive contracts their way.

And donations of cash

Came rolling my way.

“I know I hid inside a fridge,

But Cameron – he f*cked a pig!

Theresa May was kinda sad,

But now, she doesn’t seem so bad.

Though I made gaffes,

I had some laughs,

Cos that is my way.

“I steered the Brexit bus, painted with lies,

My hand was steady.

Yes, I got Brexit done,

The EU deal was oven ready.

And now the UK’s screwed -

Every which way, and sideways.

What else could you expect

When I did it my way?

“When Covid came along,

I wouldn’t heed the scientists’ warning,

I killed everyone’s Nan,

So many families in mourning.

I said, “Pile the bodies high”,

Like a c*nt, and not in a wry way.

Those plebs, I’d kill ‘em all

If I had my way.

“Each time a crisis came my way,

I buggered off on holiday.

Children are hungry, and they’re cold,

Well, f*ck ‘em all - and f*ck the old!

Let them eat cake,

Them’s the breaks.

No one stands in my way.

“I’ll thrive - my bank balance is big,

And I’ve got shares in Peppa Pig.

So, now I’ll leave without a fuss.

Good luck with Liz ‘One Brain Cell’ Truss!

Once, Britain boomed,

But now it’s doomed

Cos I did it MYYYY WAAAAAYY!"

After he’d finished singing, it is reported that Mr Johnson tried to take a bow, overbalanced, and fell off the table. He then shambled off into the garden, where he was sick in a thicket.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/maklay62-182851/