Ambulance response times now longer than returning Elgin marbles to Greece

An ambulance has taken two hundred and fifteen years to drive from Salford NHS trust to 37 Slurry Drive in Salford. Remarkably this is longer than it has taken the British Museum to think about returning the stolen Elgin marbles to their rightful owners.

The trust CEO, Norman Brimmer, said they were working hard to bring times down so that patients wouldn’t have to wait longer than a century or fifty years in emergency cases of cardiac arrest or getting your head stuck in a bucket.

'Two hundred and fifteen years is rather a long time,' said Mr Brimmer, 'but to put things into perspective, that’s only twenty-five years above national government targets.'

Government to phase out petrol and diesel cars by removing brakes

In a move that's being described as "a watershed in environmental progress", internal combustion car owners will have to drive without brake pedals from today. 'This will "speed up" the move to carbon-neutral transport', quipped Department of Transport spokesman Eric Lambert. 'Pedestrians are advised to stay indoors until the transition is completed'.

Meanwhile, scrapyards throughout the country are on standby for a windfall of twisted metal. Motorway services are being stocked with duty-free booze, so that drivers can steady their nerves before braving the horrific pileups and Mad Max driving conditions.

'Once again, Britain is setting an example to the rest of the world. I suppose you could call our policy the express lane to a cleaner environment', said Mr Lambert. 'Within 12 months, fossil fuel vehicles will be a thing of the past. We expect the last gas-guzzler to drive over a cliff around the end of 2023'.

Reaction from motorists has been mixed. 'It's like having a limb removed - I'm still trying to come to terms with that empty space between the clutch and the accelerator', says Top Gear fan Martin Reeves, as he blasts up the M1 at 100mph in his brakeless Audi. 'But everything should be OK. If there's an emergency, I'll just find a nice shock-absorbent barrier to crash into - preferably a bunch of eco-protesters'.

Government could sue itself under ‘Minimum level of competence’ law

As wildcat government inaction brings much of the UK to a standstill, Tory barons have threatened to coordinate incompetence and corruption until their demands are met. Number 10 has vowed to press ahead with a controversial law that will make it illegal not to have a Conservative government.

Tory MPs who lose their seats at elections will be forced to continue working. The Labour benches will be filled by agency staff until shadow ministers agree to stop working too. The government will ensure a minimum level of incompetence by making it harder for the electorate to take action.

Speaking at a picket line outside Parliament, a Tory Donor who owns Conservatives everywhere said:

‘Enough is enough! My members haven’t had a pay cut since 1066, and we’re not about to have one now. We will refuse to stop screwing this country until the electorate agrees to get round the table and gives us what we want.’

Mick Lynch has not commented since he was bundled into a van at midnight.