- Lockjaw
- Mar 29, 2023
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UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has confided to aides that he would rather get skiing lessons from Gwyneth Paltrow than pay any attention to the fact there is a new Scottish First Minister, Humza Yousaf.
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Between them, Sunak and Yousaf have won zero general elections. Rishi actually lost a Conservative leadership race to Liz Truss. The Queen of the Pork Markets then went on to lose to a lettuce. It’s lucky Rishi didn’t have to stand against the lettuce when he was elected – the free markets can be so cruel.’
‘Humza Yousaf beating Kate Forbes 52/48 feels a bit like the SNP are taking the Brexit-y piss. Anyway, if the new Scottish First Minister calls, we’ll just say the phone was on a high shelf and Rishi couldn’t reach.’
- NewsBiscuit
- Mar 28, 2023
In a landmark ruling, the judge said that no self-respecting voter should be coerced into supporting Owen Smith, even if, his was the only name on the ballot. He would only be permitted a pity vote, comprising of reluctant relatives, ex-girlfriends and any mate of Tony Blair's still awaiting trial.
In his ruling, the judge explained that it was unlawful to vote for someone so blatantly careerist; although that may now call into question the UK's last 400 years of elections. Voters will now be free to express their true feelings towards Mr. Smith - using a large wicker man and an expressive Morris dance.
Smith's only hope of picking up some votes rest with a combination of spoilt ballots, discarded lottery tickets and expired 'Smith and Western' buffet vouchers. A member of 'Vote Smith or Else' defended their candidate: 'When we said one man one vote, we didn’t mean literally.’
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