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Jeremy Hunt's budget surprise


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Jeremy Hunt surprised MPs on both sides of the Commons today by starting his speech with an unexpected 'good afternoon'.


Every other initiative in the budget had been widely leaked and didn't spark any interest at all. Sir Keir Starmer's defensive lines were well prepared but delivered in his usual rather dismal style, a bit like an assistant scout leader on probation.

Pension? Energy? Allowances? Childcare? Heard it all before. But Her Majesty's Opposition were clearly wrong-footed by the cheery 'good afternoon' and took to Twitter to work out how to respond. By the time they'd figured it out, the moment had passed.


Jeremy's 'good afternoon' rapidly went viral, even prompting a response from the US President, Joe Biden, who said 'I'm not sure how to say his name. Is the C silent?'



Antiques Roadshow to go ahead without presenters


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Sunday evening snooze-fest the Antiques Roadshow will go ahead without any presenters or expert summarisers, much to the faux-delight of people who clearly never watch it anyway. This is because Fiona Bruce is taking an enforced step back, much like she has received a one-off punch in the face from Stanley Johnson, shortly to become Sir Stanley Johnson.


Tara Taylor said ‘My granny left me this hideous figurine of a woman.’


Surrounded by an all-white crowd of pensioners, Taylor continued ‘I wanted the expert to estimate such a high value that this lot would gasp, or at least go ‘oooo’. I’d even practised pretending that I wouldn’t immediately put it on e-bay. The figurine’s nose is a bit broken, much like she has received a one-off punch in the face from Stanley Johnson, shortly to become Sir Stanley Johnson.’




Ten signs that spring is nearly here


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It’s that time of year – blue skies, daffodils, strikes, snowdrifts and a new tax year. Here are the signs that tell you that spring is nearly here:


You’ve tried the mower and it didn’t start. You dimly remember putting it away broken in the autumn.


People on picket lines are wearing shorts and t-shirts, and look quite well tanned.


The shops are full of sandals, swimming cozzies and suncream.


The Daily Express enters its seventh consecutive month of Snowpocalypse headlines.


The price of Creme Eggs has gone up again. And they still don’t taste right.


You are heartily sick of reading newspaper articles about slimming, dieting and weight loss

You’ve received next year’s Council Tax bill and had to sit down to get your breath back.


You’ve bought lots of vegetable seeds to save on the food bill, but you will never plant them. This is an annual ritual.


Your partner is suddenly and unaccountably keen on you repainting or redecorating something in the house or garden. Never the car or the motorbike. Always the house or the garden.


There’s been a budget and you are worse off, again. HMRC has sent you at least six letters in brown envelopes about your tax code. Each one caused heart murmurs.


Something is threatening to bugger up the summer GCSE exams. It could be teachers, a pandemic, government incompetence, leaked papers, bolshie kids, Greta Thunberg. Something, anyway.


Family members have started opening windows again, with scant regard for the energy bill.


Broadcasters have run out of good programmes and are sneaking in more and more repeats. You regret cancelling all those expensive streaming services.


Extensive internet searches fail to reveal any holidays on dates that you want and/or that are within your budget.


Next door’s cat has started coming into your garden again, to take advantage of your lawn.


Your GP is offering appointments 2 to 3 months ahead, instead of 5 to 6, although the answerphone message is still going on about ‘winter pressures’.


Political scandals are reported from outside Number 10 in daylight, rather than total darkness.


Although you took out a gym membership in January, you stopped going long ago. And you are absolutely fine with that.


After a long, cold and dismal winter, you have lost the ability to count to ten.




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