Brexit saves Britain from Europe murder train

In the first significant benefit of leaving the European Union, our brave Brexiteers have ensured that the evil Orient Express will no longer abuse our glorious rail network.

The train of death, a bane on our otherwise perfect crime statistics, is a pit of elitist depravity and is full of philanderers, murderers and even Belgians.

Brexit has put a stop to this and it is in no way the company's decision because of extra bureaucracy. Nope, not that at all.

A Brexit spokesperson was quoted saying, 'Good riddance. Now to stop the direct train to Euro Disney. What? They are already going to do that?'

www.newsbiscuit.com

UK Government: 'Stupid motorways for stupid people'

Stupid people should drive on stupid motorways. That's the view of Rishi Sunak who adds motorways to the list of things he prefers stupid, like the electorate.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst elaborated, 'We believe the UK population is fundamentally stupid. They ought to be - we've been slashing education funding for long enough. Anyway, those mindless drones, those worthless maggots, or as we used to call them, people, deserve dumb roads and moronic railways and boy oh boy have we delivered. Of course Audi drivers have been getting ahead of the game by using the roads stupidly for years.'

'Rishi's not a road or rail guy. He brings his own helicopter from home, because he's just like you and me.'

'As for the Tory Party, stupid is as stupid does. And where we're going, we don't need roads.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

Cracks appearing in Blue Wall