‘No trainers’ rule at polling stations

Citizens hoping to vote at next month’s local elections have been told to “bring photo ID and dress smartly” or risk being turned away.

‘Voting is a solemn civic duty’, a spokesman said. ‘We can’t have riff raff turning up in ripped jeans or trainers. This is a classy country, we don’t want that sort’.

Voter fraud is a massive problem, causing as many as 0.0000001% of votes to be incorrectly cast. The problem has been identified as postal votes, so voters are being advised not to wear trainers when they walk to the postbox and to take a photo of themselves posting the vote, just in case.

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak (yes, really) has been criticised by members of his party for “wasting” the move at the local elections, when it would have more effect at next year’s General Election. ‘Just like Rishi to go off prematurely’, one MP told us. ‘Or so I’ve heard. Boris would have done gerrymandering properly’.

Despite the government’s best efforts, the local elections are likely to be a bloodbath for Conservative councils. Also, despite the government’s best efforts, the pound will continue sinking, inflation will go up, rents will be unaffordable, rivers of shit will flow (apologies to E Powell), children will drown in the Channel, people will die waiting for an ambulance and the world will gaze on, agog, wondering whether the Conservative Party will select “Ozymandias” as its poem of the year.

Burglar grateful you left the radio on

Less of a deterrent, more of an entertainment service, millions of families leave a radio on to fool would be burglars. Said one sociologist: 'This is based on the false premise that all criminals live in mortal fear of Radio Two.'

In fact, most thieves attest to the music relieving the tension of their activity, said one: 'It gets so lonely, rummaging around. Having Ken Bruce's soothing words, really helps you focus on finding Aunty Edna's pearl necklace.

'And can I say a big thank you for the security light. Finding my way through a darkened garden is a nightmare, so I really appreciate the extra help. And thanks for leaving that spare key under that rock by the door, that's exactly where I would have left it.'

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Government named as sponsor for Ant & Dec's new show: "I'm a UK Diplomat... Get Me Out Of Here"

The Government has been named as sponsors for Ant & Dec's new show: 'I'm a UK Diplomat... Get Me Out Of Here'.

Speaking to reporters, a Foreign Ministry spokesman commented: 'I'm sure the lads will do a great job. What's more, I know our self-serving diplomats will happily eat arses, cocks, anuses, not to mention freshly baked animal feces if it ensures they get out of the world's trouble spots before our ordinary nationals who are either working abroad or perhaps on holiday.'

One diplomat told us: 'I'll do whatever it takes to get my lardy and cowardly bum in a seat aboard one of those evacuation planes. You'd better believe it.'

When it was suggested perhaps it might be more in-keeping with his duties to first assist regular British citizens to leave these countries safely, he said. 'F*ck that for a game of soldiers. Because you see I'm very important, and sadly... I'm rather afraid they're not.'

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