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Your April Horoscope, by Toxic Meg



Aries: This month’s full moon will compel you to climb on top of your neighbour’s shed, take all your clothes off, and adopt a cruciform pose. Just like you did last month.


Taurus: Your dreams of romance will suffer a setback when you receive a ‘cease and desist’ letter from lawyers representing Huw Edwards, ordering you to stop sending him your soiled underwear in the post. You will feel heartbroken, until a few days later when your romantic hopes are revived as you spot one of your lacy pink g-strings sticking out of Huw’s pocket as he presents the 10 O’Clock News.


Gemini: While imbibing the blood of a virgin, you will be distracted by the thought, 'Did I leave the gas on back at the crypt?'


Cancer: Saturn in your 4th house indicates there is cat sick in your future.


Leo: Once in every generation there is a rare and magical alignment of the planets, which results in the birth of a remarkable and talented human being who is a special gift to mankind. No, I’m not talking about you – you were a mistake that happened when your parents got p!ssed on Blue Nun at a swingers party.


Virgo: No way. How many men & women have you said that to?


Libra: The planets have an important message for you: ‘apply to the affected area 3 times a day, until the rash disappears’. No, hang on - that’s my prescription…


Scorpio: You wonder how my predictions have been so frighteningly accurate and personal - do I truly have the gift, or is it because I am stalking you? Leave them all, come with me before the voices in my head turn against you. An unexpected journey is on the cards - one way or another.


Sagittarius: As Mercury turns his back on you, you will buy a loaf of bread and discover that all the slices have the face of Jesus on them. Your local newspaper will run a story about it which goes viral, but you will be ridiculed when tests show the face depicted in the bread is actually that of Russell Brand.


Capricorn: It’s not your fault, Capricorn – how were you supposed to know that public toilet had been converted into a newsagent’s? At least the pile of newspapers in the corner helped to soak some of it up.


Aquarius: You have a big choice to make this week. It may comfort you to know that whatever you opt for will be wrong.


Pisces: As Jupiter enters your sign sideways, the finger of fate will point at you. That’s not good news – you’ll be in a police line-up when it happens.


H/Ts: SteveB, Sinnick, FlashArry, Lockjaw


Jools Holland to host the Night Tube




London Underground will begin running a late-night anarchic pop show on its Victoria and Central lines, with the Psychedelic Furs carrying people between Oxford Circus and Chigwell. Normal train services will be suspended, while 80's bands scurry through the tunnels looking for recording contracts, loose change and the rat-gnawed remains of their careers.


Jools Holland, rescued from hosting fake Hogmanay events and children's balloon parties, has agreed to return to the format that made him a household name - if only amongst the band members of 'Squeeze'. Sadly, the late Paula Yates is unavailable due to circumstances beyond her control, but she will be replaced by aggressive tramp called Malcolm, with a penchant for smack and special brew.


A producer said: ‘We expect the Night Tube to have that same train crash feel as the original show. But we will still ban buskers – so no Ed Sheeran.’


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