US playing catch up with UK as it charges ex leader with criminal charges

The United States has confirmed that it is pursuing prosecuting former President Trump because it had 'fallen way behind the UK'. The United Kingdom has taken to prosecuting its heads of government recently with viscous fixed penalty notices for £80 that 'really hurt, especially the very, very rich'. The United States is thought to be considering following other progressive UK practises, such as self harm at a national level.

'Nobody but the Brits screw themselves like they do,' said a US politician today. 'We're planning to rip up all our trade agreements, put a skewer right through our economy, crash our healthcare system and funnel as much public cash to a few senior members of Congress,' he said before an aide pointed out that the third and fourth items on his list had been government policy for decades.

Prison Cell Jail - Free photo on Pixabay

NewsBiscuit Home

Flood of immigrant nurses finally halted

The number of EU nationals joining nursing fell by 96%, which means the UK can focus on recruiting more valued professions – such as sex-trafficked strawberry pickers. A Home Office spokeswoman explained: ‘Too often you see nurses smuggled into the country in the back of container lorries; only to be found wandering the streets at night - fighting in food banks with urban foxes. Nurses work in unsanitary conditions, often surrounded by disease and will stick a thermometer up your bottom as soon as look at you. Would you want to live next door to one?

‘The NHS is also a breeding ground for radicalization – radical ideas like health care should be free at source. Communities become disrupted by an influx of nurses; who naturally establish ‘health ghettos’ – filled with vitamins, bed baths and those weird fob watches, which make them all look like an 18th century dandy.’ Meanwhile, tempers and temperatures run high in the nursing camp in Calais, which is daubed with the slogan - ‘Go back to where you come from – some sort of medical school, I guess’.

www.newsbiscuit.com

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos