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Tories deliver completed promise of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists


The UK government excellence machine has churned out another win you should know about. Always delivering on everything all of the time, and sinews so strained haemorrhoids are popping out the bottom, this one could so easily have been lost in all of the other successes.


Downing Street spokesperson, Binki Pfeffel, announced, 'This is another great day and another great victory. We have completed our promise to deliver 40 new hospitals. We have done this by completing what was an incomplete promise at the time it was made of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists.


'And we have gone further. There are also 40 new hospitals signs. That's 40 brand new road signs pointing to where existing hospitals are. This is precisely what the Great British people deserve.


'But wait... there's more. We have also opened 40 news hospitals. Any news which shows symptoms of being bad for us will now automatically be quarantined in one of these marvellous news hospitals. It will undergo world-beating treatment, until it is declared good, healthy news, and allowed out in public.'



Heavyweight boxer self-identifies as lightweight


Heavyweight boxer Steve McAdams, currently ranked No 247 in the world, announced today that he “self-identifies as a lightweight” and will compete in that division from now on.


It’s thought he may have been inspired by the story of Lia (formerly Liam) Thomas, who went overnight from being a mediocre male swimmer to a female one who won every race by a huge margin.


]I just feel that lightweight expresses who I am deep down inside,” explained McAdams, adding that it definitely wasn’t a cheap ploy to give himself an unfair advantage.'


However, the move has attracted criticism from some in the sport.


'It’s ridiculous, said genuine lightweight boxer Mike Scanlan. 'The guy’s about twice the size of me. How can he possibly fight as a lightweight - are we supposed to just ignore what the scales say?” However, his comments were dismissed as “sizephobic” by some overgrown student activist the editor of the Guardian has on speed dial.'


In other news, racehorse owner Sir Timothy Benson announced that one of his less successful horses “self identifies as human” and will race against humans from now on.


'Though obviously it’ll have to be on grass, not concrete, since it’s really a horse.'




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