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Disposable nappy inventor buried in landfill


In a final act of irony, her body will be swaddled in a gigantic nappy bag and left for seagulls to peck at. Hopefully rigor-mortis will prevent her from wriggling out of her Velcro tabs and any buttock rash will be the least of her dermatological concerns. The absorbent chemicals in her bespoke shroud should hopefully deter foxes; commented one mother: ‘How whiffy she will get is hard to tell, but it can’t be worse than the fetid dumplings my toddler produces.’




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Conspiracy theorists warn Brexit may force it to close UK operation



Conspiracy theorists have called on the government to renegotiate part of the Brexit deal or risk losing parts of its conspiracy industry.

Amid concerns over the cost of living generally; and in particular the effect that increased cost of energy is having on aluminium foil production, they are concerned that people may soon be unable to afford to make tin foil hats.


“The dangers are obvious” said a leading conspiracy theorist. “If people can’t afford to replace their foil hats, but somehow manage to get by without them, like they’ve had to do with fresh food, it will put greater pressure on the already stressed NHS.”


The Association of Aluminium Foil Suppliers, which includes names such as Aldi, Sainsburys and Tesco have added their weight to the discussion, by saying that they really don’t care what people use aluminium foil for, but if they find the ridiculous profits they make from the product decline, they will naturally have to hike the prices of other products to compensate.


image from pixabay



Much harder to have affairs from home, complain lecherous CEOs



Get back to the office, so we can start making sexualised remarks and inappropriately touching junior female members of staff. That's the message from Conservative ministers and industry leaders.


'How am I supposed to feel like a real man unless I clumsily attempt to grope Jodie from Accounts.' sleazed CEO Ian Ingram. 'I'm playing golf with the boys later and I need something to boast about. Last week one of them bought new tits for his wife and his secretary.'


'If that pervert comes near me I'll put his head through a f*cking wall.' said Jodie Johnstone from Accounts. 'Joke's on him though because I've been embezzling for years.'


'Hunt and Rees-Mogg want people back in offices? Sometimes I forget that Jeremy Hunt is rhyming slang, but then he says something out loud and I remember.'


image from pixabay



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