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Funding has been approved for a new state-of-the-art museum exhibiting extinct museums, with building work scheduled to start immediately. The British Museum of British Museums (BMoBM) has been signed off by the Arts Council with the intention of ‘providing a space where Britain’s entire cultural heritage can be viewed without the need to visit the god-awful regions.’ Finance for the massive central London structure to house the remains of 50-100 soon-to-be defunct museums has been ‘derived’ from the budgets of the museums to be housed. Senior Curator, Sir Phillip Parminter, explained: “To centralise these venerated buildings and their artefacts under one roof, in the capital, where more people will visit than if they were scattered willy-nilly around the country in their original and historic positions, just makes jolly good fiscal sense. “Initially, funding for the project included revenue for the building of a regional BMoBM in the North, exhibiting the remains of less interesting museums whose trinkets and paraphernalia would only gather dust in the main museum gift shop. However, it was much more cost-effective to relocate the Northern BMoBM onto the main BMoBM site, annexed to the main building’s toilet block.” As is customary under current government procedures, tenders for the building contacts have been awarded prior to an official bidding process. Rumours suggesting work has been awarded to contractors unconnected to government ministers or peers of the realm has been strenuously denied.





There is a growing suspicion that voters are either becoming more anarchic or simply don’t understand the questions. Referendum used to be a means of placating normally sheepish non-committal citizens, but now it has become a forum for every malcontent trying to bring about the end of days.


One MP questioned the electorate’s judgement: ‘Last year 30 Brits died by watering their Christmas tree – are these the sort of people who should be asked complex questions on international trade treaties? One third of accidental deaths in the UK happen in the home, yet I reckon two thirds of all fatally moronic acts happen in the polling booth’.


‘Allowing voters choice on important issues is like arming a toddler with a range of ballistic weapons – in all scenarios something is going to get the sh$t blown out of it.Admittedly sometimes the turkey will vote for Christmas but you don’t expect him to shove a bag of chestnuts up his colon and rub himself down in parsley flavoured body lotion.’



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