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Starmer amends 'not Corbyn' to 'not Corbyn or Johnson'



In a major policy movement the Labour Party has decided to leverage the success it enjoyed by pitching leader Keir Starmer as 'not Corbyn', by extending it to include 'not Johnson' as well. 'By not being Corbyn or Johnson, Starmer is saying he's, well, not two other people, so he must be everyone else,' said a spokesman. Asked if Starmer was 'not Sunak' the spokesman declined to answer, but pointed out that the Labour leader is on track to not adopt any policies that would later be reversed, by not adopting them in the first place. Asked if this included arguably the greatest miscarriage of justice in British history, the Post Office Horizon debacle the spokesman confirmed that Starmer wasn't going to put remedying the miscarriage as a policy, just so he didn't have to ditch it when the time come.


'Johnson would have ditched it, no doubt, so that's proof Starmer's not Johnson,' the spokesman said, adding, 'and Corbyn wouldn't have reversed the policy if it had been policy, so defo not Corbyn. QED,' he said.




People who aren't interested in the coronation talking about it an awful lot



People who aren’t interested in the coronation of King Charles III are spending way more time talking about it than people who are a bit interested and will watch it because it’s an historic event. Jeremy Rummage is not interested in the coronation and has told his wife of his disinterest (repeatedly), his neighbours on both sides twice, the postman, the man in the newspaper shop, a dog walker, a queue of people waiting for a bus, the goldfinches using his bird feeder and a squirrel. Jeremy has called those who will watch it quiche loving peasants, crown obsessed mugs and kowtowing serfs. He has been met with nonchalant shrugs and is hoping to meet an ardent royalist in his real life, a good lively one like there seems to be no shortage of on the vox pops on the telly.




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