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Spilling the 't' - Tories confront the real mortgage crisis



With inflation higher than Michael Gove on a night out, mortgage rates are set to soar, plunging millions of people into financial hardship. Meanwhile some Conservative MPs have been infuriated to learn the word mortgage has a silent letter 't' in the middle.


One began shouting 'That silent letter seems suspiciously French if you ask me. Leave means leave. And that 't' has got to go.'


'Anyway, who are these ghastly oiks who can't afford to spend their uncle's inheritance on a city crash pad to go with their house in the country? They probably eat too many avocados or something. We should cut any benefits they're on and give them a clip round the ear as well as a sneering lecture on financial responsibility. Why haven't they taken the precaution of being rich already? '






Tickets already sold to see the missing Titanic sub



For a mere £1m wealthy explorers can gawp at the watery remains of other wealthy explorers, as their own vessel slowly takes on water. This ride entitles you to the ultimate in voyeurism, followed by your own inevitable death.


The firm offering the service, ‘One Way Tickets’, explained: ‘Initially, you’ll be the watcher but post-death you’re the watched. We anticipate vast queues of subs all viewing the corpses of those in front of them, without any inkling of the vultures lined up behind. The experience is pitched as those with more money than sense and no concept of historical irony.’


Due to overcrowding in Titanic’s graveyard plans are in place to set up an underwater crematorium – they just need to find a way to stop the fire from getting soggy. Said one excited adventurer: ‘I’m told it’s the trip of a lifetime. Literally.’






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