Blue Peter to bury Tim Peake in his capsule.

Originally it was to be housed at the Science Museum to represent UK innovation but dumping it in landfill felt more symbolic of our post-Brexit future. Using his space capsule as futuristic coffin, Mr. Peake’s mummified remains will be entombed in the Blue Peter garden, with a petri dish of Petra and a lock of John Noakes’ hair.

Bound and gagged, Mr. Peake was unavailable for comment, but the BBC assured the gathered press that this was not be the first time they had buried dissenters. ‘It’s an exciting opportunity to preserve items that may not be around in the future, so we’ll also be burying the NHS, affordable mortgages and national pride’.

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

'I said I was resigning from parliament and now I want to change my mind'

Today's dilemma concerns an anonymous member of parliament.

Dear Aunt Brenda,

I recently had a bit of a rush to the head and announced I was resigning from my well paid job as a member of parliament and I've since realised that this might not be the wisest thing I've ever done. Do you think it would look bad if I tried to unresign?

Aunt Brenda replies:

It's very easy to criticise. Actually, it's a piece of cake. I spent five minutes at it this morning and came up with 500 words about you without pausing. You might try and move on to a new career; why not apply for a job at Channel 4? I'm sure they'd have been impressed with your programme on Talk TV - at least, if anyone had watched it. To be positive, your resignation announcement is one of the most popular things you've done. I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset your former colleagues by changing your minds, and to help with your decision, I've attached flight times to Rwanda.

I hope this helps!

Truth 'up the duff'

Truth has admitted that she is expecting a child.

Rumours abound that Boris Johnson is the father, even though truth is more of a concept than an actual person. The rumours do have some credibility, however, as everyone knows that Boris did always have a strange relationship with the truth.