Consumers facing a 40% rise in water rates for the privilege of being able to turn on the tap and see Simon Cowell’s leering visage tearing into a novelty kazoo act beautifully rendered in slithering excrement have been told to ‘shit or get out of the bath (already full of shit)’ by hard-pressed industry leaders.
Liv Garfield, the chief executive of Severn Trent Water currently scraping by on £3.9 million pay and bonuses a year, definitely did not say; ‘For f*ck’s sake, what do you want, blood? No one gets the full service for the headline price any more.
‘Everyone knows to budget £500 for that £20 advertised airline ticket if you actually want your luggage, mobile devices, breathable air and a plywood-patched floor accompanying you all the way to an airstrip 125 miles from the destination of your choice (outside school holidays).
‘After swallowing the biggest hike in rail fares in a decade, no commuter expects an actual train to turn up. Brown water, backed up pipes and choking porpoises are very much the bus replacement service of the water industry. We’ve been fools, to be honest, raising prices just 15% year on year- that won’t see us push 370,000 leaks to half a million. Pay up, or there’s plenty of lovely water 370 miles off the coast of Newfoundland we can introduce you to, capice?’
- NewsBiscuit
- Jun 28, 2023
Pest control has confirmed that an elderly male is trapped underneath the floorboards of the West Wing and is refusing to be lured out, even with lucrative offers from the private sector and lifetime supply of cheese whiz. As his term as Vice-President draws to a close, friends say that Biden had become increasingly skittish, reverting to a feral democratic state, growling about the merits of ‘Big Government’.
Joe has spent eight years marking his territory with his heady musk of Old Spice and unfettered bison; while the incoming President has been advised that Biden may have defected in the Resolute Desk. Biden, of course, is not the first V.P. to remain in The White House. Glimpses of a naked Dan Quayle can still be spied, furtively running around South Lawn, foraging for berries. Meanwhile President Trump has ordered that Biden be captured and sent to an ‘inappropriate-petting’ zoo.
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