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Brand styles that all supermarkets must copy or face chaos and bankruptcy



Spreadable Butter


It must be silver, it has to have that special shape, maybe a play on a Nordic dairy theme and boom, luxury creamy butter containment. If it is not presented like this, it might as well be a yellow turd in a washing up bowl.


Spreadable yeast based sandwich product


The classic brown glass curvy jar, more curves than a knife would prefer to get the last bit out. Get some yellow in there, maybe use a similar font and try to hide the fact you have to state yeast on it without images of infection.


Nut and honey coated flakes of corn


Needs a catchier name, but all the information is there. Yellow box, dripping honey images, gratuitous nut pics. Customers need this comforting look or will think it’s bird feed in the wrong aisle.


Tomato Sauce


Top brand sets the layout, they move to plastic, must copy, they turn it upside down, must copy. Alt brands stray too close, and the lawyers will mess them up, deviate too much and it’s weird and scary for customers.


Liquid for washing pots and pans


You thought this level of sycophantic imitation was limited to foods, wrong, you idiot. The bottle has a certain shape and even the colour green gets to be called Original and must be used by all brands. Too many bulges on the bottle and shoppers will drink it, thousands will die.


At least insect shaped cakes are a calm and reasonable area that never leads to court action.




Grimsby man tells of harrowing ten-hour ordeal with Bear Grylls



A Grimsby man has told of the 'harrowing ten-hour ordeal' he endured when having to watch an entire series of Bear Grylls survival shows.


Tim Hogarth said: 'It was my turn to have access to my son Daniel for the weekend, so with a long Saturday stretching out before us I was delighted when he suggested we just stayed in, ordered pizza and streamed box sets.


'How was I to know the silly little bugger had become obsessed with Bear Grylls and his ludicrous survival drivel. God help me, but I had to watch ten of the wretched shows back-to-back.'


Now with Daniel safely back with Mum for the next two weeks, Tim revealed he has cancelled his Sky and Netflix subscriptions, and as an extra precaution, smashed his beloved 72-inch TV to avoid any possible repetition of the "sheer mind-numbing purgatory inflicted upon him".


Still deeply scarred by the experience he added: 'The reason I don't need to know how to distil my own piss or extract vital nutrition from baboon semen and coyote shite, is because I'll be in the pub then down the curry house.


'In common with nearly everyone else on the planet I have absolutely no intention of getting myself lost in some fucking jungle or desert in the arse-end of nowhere.'


A spokesman for Bear Grylls pointed out that technically Grimsby 'is the arse end of nowhere.'




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