Islamic State claim to have written ‘Pet Sounds’

Not content with taking the acclaim for every random atrocity, IS have made the bold assertion that they also wrote the Maltese Falcon, founded Cubism and directed Citizen Kane. The spokesman remarked: ‘The poems of William Blake – us! The buildings of Frank Lloyd-Wright – us! We even wrote ‘Only Fools and Horses’ – but only the good episodes – like the one with the chandelier. Nowhere is safe from our interference – except the Isle of Wight…nothing changes there’.

www.newsbiscuit.com

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Government health guidelines on drinking from skull of slain enemy

This wholesome ritual of post-battle bonding can be spoiled if you ignore simple precautions. Ensure all fragments of club, sword or spear are removed from the skull, as these can be harmful if swallowed. You need to carefully watch your alcohol consumption on these occasions, especially if your slain enemy had a large head. A capacious cranium filled with beer could put you over the drink-driving limit. Those who prefer alcohol-free lager can disregard the above advice.

Eating your dead enemy's heart to acquire his courage and prowess can also be hazardous, especially if it is a diseased organ swaddled in fat. As well as his battlefield valour, you might be acquiring the heart disease of a morbidly obese warrior - maybe there's a reason you had no problem hitting him with your spear from 100 yards. If you belong to an at-risk group with a high possibility of being killed and eaten, be sure to watch your diet and take regular exercise. This will ensure you don't pass on life-threatening cardiovascular problems to whoever defeats you in battle and feasts on your heart. The last thing your bereaved relatives would want is a lawsuit.

image from pixabay

Twitter removes block feature but keeps tw*t feature

The artist formerly known as Twitter has confirmed that it is disabling the function that allows you to stick your fingers in your ears and go 'la, la, la, I can't hear you'. It will, however, be retaining millions of arseholes to make the whole free-speech experience, truly unbearable.

Explained an 'X' executive: 'If you are going to sign up to the hellscape that is Twitter. the least you can do is have it unfiltered. There's no point complaining about intolerance if you can't hear Lawrence Fox.'

One Twitter user was perplexed when someone suggested that if they wanted to ignore something unpleasant, they could just not look at Twitter: 'What?!? Where's the fun in that?'