Murdoch to retire, leaving Evil nothing to do

Beelzebub is said to be distraught that his right hand man and left testicle, is stepping back from day to day wickedness. Sadly, Fox Corporation will be rudderless and missing the smell of sulphur.

Rupert Murdoch has left an indelible mark on the print media, usually in the form of a cloven hoof. No one can underestimate his contribution to public discourse if you are a fan of shouting racist puns or t$ts.

Feared by politicians for being every bit as unethical as they are, Murdoch was a figure to be reckoned with, provided that figure was 666. He has told friends he plans to bow out with dignity, as a fiery pit opens up beneath his feet and he descends to the dark underworld from which he came - Australia.

Theresa May found with Lord Lucan

The UK Missing Persons Bureau has called off the search for the UK's Prime Minister, having found her in an attic above 10 Downing Street, alongside Elvis, a stash of Nazi gold and the Lindbergh Baby.  Many had feared the worse when Mrs May stopped attending interviews and answering questions, although others put that down to two years of PMQ's with Jeremy Corbyn.

Aides attest to Mrs May starting to blend into her environment, the confines of a locked wardrobe. Last seen, by twenty photographers, pointing at random machinery in an empty factory; Mrs May had proved increasingly elusive on the campaign trail - given often to hiding in hard-to-reach places, like Scotland or her husband's tax returns. 

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Just don't f**king bother, Sunak tells nation

In a surprise move, Rishi Sunak has unveiled procrastination and giving up as the centrepiece of his vision for Britain.

Insisting that the climate crisis was still 'on my to do list - right after cancelling my Netflix subscription', he pledged that the UK would take it's share of the burden - as long as it was free of charge and didn't clash with the footy.

Addressing a lethargically-arranged press conference, the PM - definitely not an AM person - yawned, 'We'll do our bit. Or, a bit, anyway. Just after we've had a duvet day. I want to see a Britain where every time there's a major global challenge to be tackled, we roll up our pyjama sleeves and phone in sick. Wild fires and flooding? Climate refugees on the doorstep? Just keep the curtains drawn and they'll go away.'

Asked how slackening home energy efficiency standards made sense in an energy bills crisis, he merely winked and remarked, 'You know, the one thing I can get round to on time is checking my BP dividends. And my house rental income'.