Labour appeal to middle-classes with 20% off M&S food delivery

With hand-grown produce from his own allotment, Mr. Corbyn is hoping to offer lure voters with artisanal breads, free-range olives and sense of moral superiority. Marks & Spencer will guarantee to deliver Labour promises to your doorstep in a small van, as opposed to Conservative promises on the side of a large bus.

Like M&S, a Corbyn Government will feel a bit self-indulgent – a luxury. Whereas the Tories will continue to provide Brexit pick’n’mix and their own band of S&M.

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Tomatoes decide to ripen after all

Some green tomatoes which had decided on the first of September that they would remain unripe have changed their minds due to the week of warm sunshine ahead.

Spokes-tomato Graham Delight said: 'At the start of meteorological autumn we had a bit of discussion and decided throughout the vine that we’d be remaining verdurous. There was some dissent in the ranks, and I suggested that anyone desperate to be red as a Prime Minister who has cut the budget for school repairs could hang about with the bananas or avocados in the hope of being ethylene gassed into their desired tone.

'However, yesterday was so un-Autumn like that we’ve had a rethink. I myself am ripening from the inside out and expect to be a glossy scarlet hue by Wednesday. The other fruits are enjoying the brightness and by the weekend could slip into a salad or grace the top of a lasagne.'

Photo by Dan Gold on Unsplash

Grant Shapps is Defence Secretary - don't have nightmares!

On his first day as Secretary of Defence, Grant Shapps appeared to promise to quadruple the size and effectiveness of Britain's Armed Forces.

One sycophantic apparatchik simpered 'Grant is so good at fixing all the problems in a government department, that he's had 5 ministerial posts in 12 months. He's also great at making one person look like they have four identities, so quadrupling the army is right in his wheelhouse.'

Rishi Sunak is thought to consider Shapps to be well qualified for the post of Defence Secretary as Shapps tried both clay pigeon shooting and archery on a stag do. However attendees on that stag do reported that Shapps was 'a danger to himself and others' and was 'better suited to organising the piss up in a brewery', which turned into an 'alcopop fuelled fiasco.'

Photo by Kevin Schmid on Unsplash