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Hitler testicle sells for £1.7m



A testicle that once belonged to former German Chancellor Adolf Hitler has set a new world record for a male productive sex gland at an auction in Paris.


Gonad enthusiasts from around the world crammed into the tiny auction house to catch a glimpse of the egg-shaped knacker before it disappeared into a private collection. The testis - known to be the only one in existence - was expected to make between £50-60k but the reserve price was soon passed as bidding hotted up for the Hitler family jewel.


Claims that the gonad is one of a matching pair have been dismissed by academics and historians who are adamant the one sold at auction in Paris is the only one. Rumours that the other is in the Albert Hall have been discredited.


‘Claims that Hitler’s mother cut off a second gonad when he was small have been circulating in the gossip columns for years but as yet the alleged monorchism remains unproven,’ said V&A curator Jason Beesley. ‘Hitler only ever had one ball…the other is most definitely NOT in the Albert Hall...and while we know nothing about the virtue or morality of his mother…we do not think she cut it off and threw it in a tree’.


Auctioneers Onesnat said the testi came with impeccable provenance and had been in the same hands for many years.


Other items sold in the auction included a small black toothbrush and a field grey uniform that was so stiff in the arm that Hitler was unable to bend it at the elbow when he was waving to the troops.




JK’s alleged transphobia is just about selling more books


In what is being heralded as a canny bit of marketing, the author has deliberately stoked a summer of gender controversy, with ‘Harry Potter & the murderous CIS wizard’. Her defenders have said portraying a transgender killer is no different than ‘Psycho’, although Alfred Hitchcock did not spend every waking hour on Twitter telling everyone Norman Bates had no womb.


Reports suggest her concerns about the transgender community were an elaborate ploy to promote her book, in same way that in 2000, her publisher set fire to a goblet manufacture: ‘JK is an ally on trans rights, but not really. But seriously, she is. She’s an ally. Or is she? No, no, no, she is….or is she?’ Said one disillusioned fan: ‘I’m concerned that her books reflect her real feelings, so I’m not sure I want to read ‘Harry Potter & Cynical Billionaire Author’.’




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Nigel Farage Exempt From Bushtucker Trials and Eviction



With the latest series of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! starting on Sunday night, producers have announced that former UKIP leader and peddler of £80 Birthday Messages Nigel Farage will be exempt from both Bushtucker Trials and Eviction due to his lack of a spine.


At the series launch press conference, Ant or Dec elaborated on the situation for the producers. 'Due to injuries sustained in both a plane crash and seven failures to get elected to parliament,' they began,'Nigel has been left with absolutely no backbone of which to speak. As such, to avoid anything as embarrassing as losing to a man dressed as a dolphin, and to maximise his fee - I mean viewer enjoyment - he is not eligible to do anything other than use the show as a platform for his views with no repercussions. To avoid claims of a fix on social media, we are also pleased to announce Nigel as the winner of the 2023 series.'


Fans of the show had mixed views about the situation, with one commenting on Twitter, "I loved the idea of Nigel surrounded by anuses and testicles, it would be like his show on GB News. I'm glad he's already announced as the winner too, as I couldn't stand another one like Kerry Katonia.'




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