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Wetherspoon bans reading


Following their decision to withdraw from social media, the pub chain has signalled its intention to roll back on the industrial age, medieval agrarian reform and washing in winter. A spokesman for Tim Martin insisted that the internet was the work of the evil goblins and that Spotify was the devil ‘spunking in your ear’.


The spokesman said: ‘Aye, nothing good ever came of writing. Folks round here don’t take too kindly to letters and basic hygiene. If the God lord had wanted us to use Facebook he would have scooped out our brains and replaced them with a turnip.’ He went on to demand that all printing presses were destroyed and anyone on Instagram was burnt as a witch.


Despite the adjustment, Wetherspoon intends to keep Friday nights simple; with drunken harlots rolling in mud, being beaten by a baying mob, armed with an inflated pig’s bladder on a stick – so no change there then.


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Treasury confirms it is funded by CCHQ

'Notionally we're Civil Servants,' said a Treasury spokesman today, 'but we've noticed our pay slips now come from CCHQ.  We didn't realise at first, but someone pointed out we were being paid cash in plain brown packages and the pay slips were handwritten', he added.


Members of the public have complained that the Treasury has embarked on a series of social media messages boasting about the Government's success in halving inflation, reducing tax and slapping down Carol Vorderman.  The spokesman denied the Carol Vorderman accusation.  'That was Lord Bailey.  Probably Grant Schapps or maybe Michael Green, depending on the day of the week.  Might have been Johnny Mercer or his missus Mrs Minge, but it wasn't us,' he said, admitting he'd also received hate emails from the Bank of England.  'Apparently they don't think it was us who halved inflation, either,' said the spokesman, ruffling a handful of tenners.  'I don't care, I've a Tweet to draft claiming the Treasury has secured World Peace,' he said.




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