top of page
Search

Tories concede they have run out of things to break



After 14 years of Conservative government and with the country in the midst of recession and a confected race war, a Downing Street spokesman today conceded that they had simply run out of things to break:


‘Since 2010, the Conservative Party have been working tirelessly to take Broken Britain – and break it some more. The public expect nothing less of us. From needless austerity, to the idiocy of Brexit, to vandalising the NHS and wrecking the rail network, we are proud of our many achievements. But now, quite simply, we are getting to the point where we have nothing left to break or maliciously destroy - and need the public’s help.’


The Government went on to outline plans for a new Cabinet role - the Minister for National Ruination Opportunities - with a portfolio focussed on new and imaginative ways to destroy the social and economic fabric of the country. The new Minister - widely anticipated to be Jacob Rees-Mogg - has been tasked with seeking public help with original ideas for accelerating national decline.


Current suggestions are rumoured to include letting all prisoners out to roam the streets, banning any phone calls between Britain and overseas and selling Buckingham Palace to the Americans. The Government are expected to discuss the very dumbest ideas in their forthcoming Spring Budget.




Explosive situation in Devon diffused by putting jam on first



'This is the most exciting thing to happen in Devon since a duck barked instead of quacking in 1945,' said Penny James of Eastward Whore!, one of only two places allowed to shout its name at tarts from London.


'Plymouth had to be completely evacuated, which meant that nearly seven people had to bugger off to Bodmin for the day and stroke a cat with hairy hands. To be clear and a bit mysterious, the hairy hands weren't the cat's. And had to be shipped across the border from Dartmoor.


'A young girl in Cornwall suggested putting jam on before clotted cream, and that diffused the whole situation, as it always does. But then she said scone instead of scon, and all hell broke loose. Clearly, she has the devil in cider.


'But our Devon spokesman at the seat of power on The Last Leg, Josh Widdicombe, was able to calm panicking politicians in parliament by assuring them that their third holiday homes in the county remained intact. Luckily, however, Trago Mills was completely destroyed by a meowing badger.'


'It was scary for a few hours and I was afraid, but I was safely evacuated from the dangerous area,' said the bomb.




Double whammy for the music world - Nicki Minaj retires & Mugabe dies



People around the world are in mourning, as one of the world’s most iconic authoritarian figures is gone. Also, Robert Mugabe is dead. Mugabe was a giant in the music industry, producing such classics: ‘Maggie’s Farm…is now a collective’. ‘Don’t believe the hype-inflation’ and the cover version of Malvina Reynolds timeless ‘Little boxes – stuffed with ballot papers’.


Ironically the lives of Minaj and Mugabe mirrored each other, with Mugabe breaking the yoke of oppressive colonial rule and Nicki dissing Lil Kim.  Said one music journalist: ‘Ge lived under an aging, white-minority regime, a regime that exploited others, was ruthless and took all the wealth for itself. A bit like being one of Madonna’s backing dancers.’


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























bottom of page