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Lloyd Webber defeats touts by writing shows no one wants to see




The music empresario and answer to the question 'what does a melted Hugh Grant look like?', has decided to stop over-inflated theatre prices, by continuing to make over-inflated shows. He has promised to combat ticket touts by reducing the demand to see his musicals to absolute zero - something that could have been achieved years ago, if only Bonnie Langford had not signed that NDA.


His most recent production involves Michael Ball, dressed as a ginger tomcat on roller skates, who enters into an unlikely sexual tryst with Eva Peron. The final act tragically concludes with Eva choking to death on a fur ball. Racked by grief, Michael ends his own life in a freak but mildly comical collision at a roller disco.


In recent years the Tory Lord has had mixed success with sequels to his hit musicals; with notable flops being 'The Phantom Menace', 'The Woman in Shite' and 'Jesus Christ, not another one'. Said one Tout: 'Prices keep going up. It now costs me £100 to get rid of one of these tickets.'





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Lib Dems caught in custard-to-landfill scandal

The Liberal Democrats have been caught dumping non-recyclable custard at a landfill site, in a sting operation set up by a leading newspaper.


Journalists have photographed Lib Dem party workers at the landfill site while they were dumping gallons of fake custard. In addition, a cast iron victorian bathtub was taken to a recycling centre and left for metal recycling. Senior Lib Dems have denied involvement in the affair and say that the activities were not officially sanctioned by the party.


It is believed that the party was planning one of its famous by-election stunts in either Kingswood or Wellingborough, in the expectation of an exciting win. When it became clear that the Lib Dems were not going to win either seat - or get any publicity at all - the props were dumped unceremoniously, suffering a similar fate to Ed Milliband’s notorious ‘EdStone’.


The Lib Dems have denied suggestions that Ed Davey was to have appeared – either naked or fully clothed - in a bath tub full of custard, for a low rent photo opportunity. They have also denied that they planned to use the slogan ‘Lib Dems – giving the government their just desserts’.




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