Wannabe William Hill and inexplicably still the Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak was overheard taking bets on how long King Charles has to live.
Denying accusations of tastelessness, Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘I’ll give you 3 to 1 that Chuck 3 sees 1 more Christmas. Look, Rishi is happy to bet on whether or not illegal migrant flights to Rwanda can magically be legalised. He’s also happy to insult trans people, whilst the mother of a murdered trans girl is literally in the Commons’ viewing gallery - bad judgment is a safe bet.’
‘I can give you evens that Rishi gets his green card sorted in time to live in the US after he loses the election. And it’s 28 billion to 1 on that Keir Starmer’s the next PM.’
Centrists throughout Waitrose have agreed that the UK would be best served by skipping over the democracy part and returning to 2002. To facilitate the process, a handpicked team of moderates and celebrities will be asked to solve Brexit and ensure a steady flow of couscous.
A strategist explained: 'We're looking for the right degree of bland, Adele in floral print dress or Philip Schofield on a mountain bike. We don't want policies, we just want Ant & Dec licking a vanilla ice cream.
'Ideally a unifying figure. Maybe the reanimated corpse of Pickles the Dog clutching the Jules Rimet Trophy in his rictus grin? Prince Harry dressed as Nazi? Or Bucks Fizz ripping the dress off Jayne Torvill?
'We just need something to distract the voters from the fact we don't do voting anymore. How about the Queen skydiving at the Olympics - we were happy then, no one was poor - or no one that mattered.'
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |