Government to legislate against raised eyebrows

With the right to hold a peaceful protest legislated against successfully, and with personal freedoms trampled on with impunity, the government has proposed its most far-reaching raft of laws to limit public discourse. 

'We are going to make raising a single eyebrow in a show of scepticism illegal,' said a government spokesman today.  'For too long the public have been raising a single eyebrow which deputises for "oh, really?", and undermines the purpose of the government which is to - er - govern and leverage as much money out of the system as possible,' he added.

Maverick members of the public are determined to get around the ban by learning how to wiggle their ears and raise their top lip Elvis-style. 

'Or, we could just vote the w@ankers out of public life,' suggested approximately forty million registered voters.  

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin

Police apologise for calling Home Secretary 'Openly Clueless'

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Ginsters 'taste the airfart' campaign follows through

Pie-making heroes of the FMCG (Fartal Movement Consumer Goods) market, Ginsters have struck 'above the line' advertising gold. By using an unidentifiable regional British accent, what could easily have been misconstrued as 'taste the effort' has transitioned into the unmistakable national 'airfart' campaign.

In addition, newly poached Marketing Director, Janice Short, is straining every sinew to slash costs at Ginsters. 'My specialist experience in shrinkflation at Toblerone has been key,' said Short. My masterstroke there was replacing chocolate with air by spacing narrower chunks further apart. But here at Ginsters we had to completely remove pie contents and retool production line workers to guff broken wind into pies.

'Profit margins soared, the ad campaign flowed naturally from that, research and development went off the scale, and we are about to release something really big. We're branding it the Nasty Pasty.

But there has also been an unforeseen benefit to science. Because of the diversity hiring policy at this company, it has been proven that people bottom burp in different accents. And the same is true of front bottom burps as well. Once one attunes one's ears, the expulsion from a Cornish masterbaker sounds rather different to that of a Mancunian pastry roller.

'Our out of quality control department continues to work closely with Oxford University to establish if regional aromas also have accents. That would be a real breakthrough. Can't you just smell something huge coming my way?'

Image: SylwesterL - Pixabay

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