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Covid Marshals will become vigilante superheroes.




The only super-power they will have, is the ability to squirt hand-sanitizer from a tube concealed in their shirt sleeve and shout ‘Avengers Assemble’ – as long as they are in groups of six or less.


Rumours that bats started the virus in the first place have led to local councils squandering cash on a large bat signal. They had toyed with the idea of a distress beacon depicting a Chinese bio-chemical weapons lab, but in the end every felt more comfortable blaming the bats.


Marshals will be mild-mannered citizens by day but by night they will become masked avengers, bravely asking you not to sit too close together in the park. Every Marshall will be permitted one arch-nemesis, but only if they are from the same household. Explained one potential vigilante: ‘I did have a side-kick but he’s self-isolating now. It turns out spandex leggings are no substitute for a good mask.’





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Warm fuzzy feeling traced to Conservative disarray




A recent feeling of inner warmth some have not been able to explain has been put down to a total and utter shambolic implosion that the Conservative leadership have foisted upon themselves. Again.


These brief moments of bliss should show the entire nation what utter wangwallops their governments have been, currently are, and will continue to be if left to their own divisive devices.


'What is this?' said a normal person. 'Is it... is it hope? A light at the end of a dark tunnel of 14 years of unequivocal mismanagement of the nation I love?'


Yes. Yes it is. But be careful what you Rish for. Remember that these imbeciles are capable of scrabbling together any old lies to scrawl on the side of a Truss. And then career that Truss right through the economy in just 49 days, causing irreparable Johnson.


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