Your mate insisting that England need to adopt ‘high press’

One of your mates is incessantly banging on about the need for the England football team to employ a ‘high press’ tactic without having the slightest idea about what it means, it has been confirmed.

After hearing the phrase mentioned by every sodding commentator, pundit and journalist, your friend is sure that a lack of ‘the press’ is behind England’s lacklustre performances in the Euros so far.

‘We need to employ a higher press for sure against Slovenia’, confirmed your mate just now after hearing Alan Shearer mention it again on TV.. ‘All the best teams do the press thing much better then us. They’re pressing for England’.

‘Rice and Alexander Arnold should be constantly pressing’ continued your mate. ‘24, 7, 365, they need to be on it. Press enter to continue, press here to exit, press the bell to stop the bus. Watching old episodes of Press Gang. Why doesn’t Southgate get it? ’

‘Trent needs one of those Corby trouser things, and Declan should be given a massive orange squeezer or something. I mean, how the hell are we supposed to compete with the Spanish when our guys having even the most basic pressing equipment?’.

‘It’s not just me saying it’, explained your mate. ‘All the journos think we should be using the press more too. There’s definitely pressure from the press about the press’.

It has been confirmed that your mate will continue talking about the press until tonight when he will hear pundits discussing ‘the low block’.

Image: jarmoluk - Pixabay

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Maybe if you were more interesting, people wouldn't interrupt.

Social scientists have revealed that 80% of all conversational interruptions are not due to some elaborate power-play, but are caused by the speaker being mind-numbingly tedious. Repetition, lack of coherent sentence structure and halitosis are listed as the main reasons that people interrupt; although the top one remains, an irrational fear that the conversation will never end.

In one particular case-study, friends of Morwenna Rowling (36), attested to stopping her from talking no less than 40 times a minute – often using imaginary appointments, fictious childcare or actual wildfires as an excuse to leave.  The only other person to have recorded more interruptions is Emily Maitlis, every time she talks to a Labour MP.

Explained one scientist: ‘Rather than end up in a Kafkaesque chat, concerning your health and the state of the weather, why not freshen up your repartee with a joke or have an actual point to the conversation? Too often people forget that an inner monologue should be inner for a reason. If you like white noise that much, write a blog or listen to Piers Morgan.’

A confused Morwenna said: ‘I thought people were ignoring me because of a pervasive patriarchal culture of misogynistic hegemony, maintained by a rigid class structure of institutional prejudice and hierarchical bigotry. But it turns out, I’m a bit of a bore.’

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15 Years of Typos

Magic Party launches manifesto to wide acclaim

The little-known Magic Party launched its election manifesto today, to wide popular acclaim.

The headline promises in the manifesto are:

- health, wealth and happiness for all

- good schools for everyone

- a good home for everyone

- stopping global warming

- low tax

- peace on earth

- free beer at polling stations

Ordinary voters are very positive about the manifesto promises, despite some lack of detail on how these ambitious goals will be delivered. They are not deterred by the Magic Party’s lack of track record or their unknown candidates.

The charismatic leader of the Magic Party, Dan Galf, is new to general election politics in the UK, but says that similar policies were vote winners in his previous stomping ground which he calls ‘the shires’. He admits that the policies may take more than one term to deliver and that there are some challenges ahead on affordability. He said that negative media coverage of some Magic Party candidates is ‘just a glitch’.

Voters seem ready to embrace the Magic Party and its radical agenda. We spoke to an ordinary voter called Colin Dale, 62, on a Clapham omnibus. He said, ‘The ordinary parties have no vision about housing, schools or health. They just go on about ten more of this, or twenty fewer of that. Or they obsess about weird things like garden bridges and helping rich people with more tax breaks. Or they promise stuff to their funders. Or they plan to do odd things that they’ve already placed bets on.’

Experts say that the Magic Party will need to work hard to break through to the voters. ‘They are going to need some pretty special TikTok videos,’ said one, 'they are up against Ed Davey, after all.'

Colin says that he will seriously consider voting Magic. ‘Voting Magic is just like buying a lottery ticket. It’s not very likely to work out, but if it does, then it would be completely brilliant. When you look at the alternatives, it’s got to be worth a punt.’

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