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A quick guide to US presidents


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Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809). The only president to give his name to a successful rock band. Eisenhower Airplane and Van Buren Airplane somehow never made the big time.


Abraham Lincoln (1861-1865). Assassinated. Ford's Theatre still offering special half-price deals to presidents to win back business lost due to the "unfortunate shooting incident".


Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929). Owing to his staple diet of rum and baked beans he was known as Silent-but-Deadly Cal.


Herbert Hoover (1929-1933). Spent so much time at his family business he didn't see the Crash coming. This led to the XXth Amendment to the Constitution: "The President shall not sell vacuum cleaners on White House time".


Ronald Reagan (1981-1989). Won over the crucial Weird Loner vote with his famous "Shoot me and impress Jody Foster" speech.


Joseph Biden (2021- ). An enigma, even to himself. Voted Most Likely to Invade Canada. Keeps forgetting where he left the remote control for the nuclear missiles.




Princess Anne still unable to identify the Prime Minister


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After her admission to Southmead Hospital in Bristol, following a horse-related incident, Princess Anne continues to make a slow recovery.


Following a diagnosis of concussion, doctors have been asking Anne their usual questions to assess her mental state. They were concerned because Princess Anne was unable to recall the name of the Prime Minister, and did not know the price of a loaf of bread or a pint of milk.


However, a specialist consultant, who is expert in treating royal patients, has dismissed the concerns.  Using his specially constructed and very expensive royal assessment questions, he found that Princess Anne was showing no signs of trauma.  The consultant said, ‘there are no issues with the Princess’s mental state. She knew the odds at Epsom next weekend, was able to name the King and all his predecessors back to 1066, and snarled once when I said Andrew and twice when I said Meghan.  She’s absolutely fine.’


The horse is being treated by a Gloucestershire vet, and remains in intensive care.




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