A petition submitted to the UK Parliament petitions website calling for an end to the acceptance of petitions as a means to obtain parliamentary debate on the matter raised in the petition had passed the two million signature mark as of 11.35 and 19 seconds. 2 million and 1, 2 million and 8, 2 million and 11, 2 million and 16…
Critics of the petitioning system say it’s just a way for angry phone-in callers and students to weaponise their names, with many actually going on to talk about their involvement in signing a petition as if it were a measure of personal sacrifice and national service, thus getting them off the need to do anything materially practical to improve other people’s lives for up to 5 years afterwards. The current rules are:
- At 10,000 signatures, the government will formally respond.
- At 100,000 signatures, the request will be considered by the petitions committee for debate in Parliament.
- At 10,000,000 signatures, Starmer comes round your house and says the government is ‘listening.’
- At 15,000,000 signatures, the petition gets its own Netflix documentary.
- At 20,000,000 signatures, everyone realizes its Chinese bots.
The petition, organized by a group calling themselves The Anti-Petitions Petitioners Petition Lobby, is, however, drawing the ire of a rival organization, Bring Up Smart Young Consciously Upstanding Newly Trained Students (or BUSYC*%TS), known for its zeal in organizing and submitting petitions on matters as diverse as human trafficking and white dog shit.
A spokesperson for BUSYC*%TS said, ‘By petitioning against petitions, The Anti-Petitions Petitioners Petition Lobby is petitioning for petitions to be…’ but suddenly trailed off, claiming the word ‘petition’ was starting to sound odd, like one of those words that the more you repeat or say it, it sounds phonetically random, bizarre, with meaning divorcing itself from letter arrangement, and, finally slapping one ear with the palm of his hand, walked away.
Meanwhile, as of 11.37 and 39 seconds, the petition submitted to the UK Parliament petitions website calling for an end to the acceptance of petitions as a means to obtain parliamentary debate on the matter raised in the petition had passed the. 2 million 157 mark, 2 million 161, 2 million 163…
A man rushed to hospital on New Year's day has made a dramatic statement after surgeons took six and a half hours to remove a sharp object from his nose.
‘2022 is already worse than 2021, and that was bad enough,' said Vic Strutt, a 43-year-old professional free-style drinker from East Sussex. 'Men in my profession are not known for reading instructions, and I just jabbed the sharp end right up me hooter. The surgeon said I was lucky I didn't skewer my brain.
'I feel bad that I took up valuable bed space for people who haven't had time to take their vaccines but at least I tried.'
A spokesperson for the hospital trust said they were pleased they'd successfully removed the swab. However, they strongly recommended that complete morons take a breathalyser test before attempting to open test kits.
First published 4 Jan 2022
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