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Trump's most recent Executive Orders – Number 5 will not shock you at all



Most people would figure out after searching online that an executive order is a directive by the president of the United States that manages operations of the federal government, that is now wrong. Executive orders can be now used for a whole range of things including crime.


Here are some of the latest bangers from the last few days:

  1. Empathy is now banned in all situations especially disasters

  2. The President can allocate blame to anyone and is only responsible for successes

  3. Gaza to be turned into a carpark for a Trump Hotel

  4. Mount Rushmore will be reworked so it is just Trump's face, when he was 20

  5. An executive order was sent to McDonalds for a Filet-O-Fish and a Diet Coke

  6. Donald J Trump’s star on Hollywood Boulevard is to be bigger than everyone else’s

  7. $100 bills will now have Biden's face on them, oh no, wait….he must have that one mixed up with the super retro impeachment one




Man who slept through Oscars had 'no regrets’.



Rather than stay up until stupid-o'clock, to find out who won Best Botox or Most Plausible Merkin, Hamid Alvi (34) decided to become comatose by a more natural method. He replied: ‘Who cares who is Best Boom Operator or who won the Award for Best Font in a Subtitle?'


While Hamid dreamed of sugar-plumed fairies, plummy actors, with sugar-coated nostrils gave each other awards. 'It was a tough decision, watch endless, mind-numbing, toe-curling, self-congratulatory pap or a have good night's kip. Usually, the biggest applause of the evening goes to a montage of dead actors.’




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Musicologist points out the cyclical nature of music popularity



As “The Lunatics Are Taking Over The Asylum”, a popular British track from the early days of the Thatcher era become top of the American Hit Parade, Professor M.Odelmaker told Newsbiscuit there’s nothing new under the sun; and we can anticipate a revival in popularity of The Specials “Ghost Town” being played in every MAGA supporting town across the USA in the coming months.


The Professor went on to explain how these songs were more recent interpretations of the traditional folk music that generations of people around the world grew up hearing in folk clubs if they weren’t so stupid as to emulate the singers’ 70s practice of putting their fingers in their ears as they sang them, so never got the message that rich bastards were only ever interested in screwing fair maidens and nation states.


The Professor offered to play us some recordings from his extensive collection, which have tales of the prettier young boys and maidens, who weren’t exported from Africa to the West Indies as slaves, but were brought to England instead, for the pleasure of the aristocracy on a scale that would have impressed Caligula.


Unfortunately, we were unable to stay to listen to the Professor’s gramophone as we had a bus to catch; and had heard there was going to be a new Ukrainian teen refugee debuting her career as a stripper at the Rat and Ferret.




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