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Avoiding Heathrow Airport Shutdown for Dummies

Updated: Mar 25


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With the complete shutdown of a major international airport due to completely foreseen circumstances, many new measures are to be discussed at length and then not implemented, here are some of the better options:


• Four new “No Smoking” signs to be purchased


• The space saving “Stacked Power Back-Up Plan” to be reviewed. The aim was to build a third back-up generator on top of the existing back-up generator which was on top the main substation.


• Airport staff to unplug unused phone chargers to save energy in case of another major power shut down


• The new third runway will be able to be rolled up and put in fireproof box at night


• The reintroduction of wolves throughout the airport


• Risk assessments to be updated and maybe have the ones about being bombed by the Luftwaffe removed


• Candles to be used throughout the airport to reduce the annoying use of electricity and create a calming vibe


• Even though they are fun, have meeting about the real need for “Naked Flame Thursdays”




Rachel Reeves defends accepting free tickets to Sabrina Carpenter concert

Updated: Mar 25


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Rachel Reeves has defended her attendance as a Sabrina Carpenter gig, saying that the tickets were of no value to her.


She thought she was getting tickets to see The Carpenters, and accepted them to highlight the issue of eating disorders.  She said that she wasn’t aware that Karen Carpenter had died some while ago, and expressed her condolences.


When it became clear that Sabrina Carpenter was neither related to The Carpenters, nor a tribute act, it was too late to send the tickets back without seeming rude or ungrateful.   The Chancellor therefore reluctantly accepted the advice of her staff that she should go ahead and attend the concert.   She confirmed that she had not enjoyed it at all, and would never want to repeat the experience.


Rachel Reeves is 46.




Earth to be Recycled


They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you cry, but at least they haven't crashed the economy - yet. We have Prime Ministers for that!


Over 1000 short stories and more than 200 headlines culled from the daily output from September 2021 through to the end of August 2022, all put together in a cynical ploy to fund the UK's oldest and best fake news website - NewsBiscuit.com. NewsBiscuit exists to provide a writing outlet for hundreds of established and aspirational comedy writers and to post a daily dose of humour designed to distract tens of thousands of people from working, restoring the economy or otherwise making a useful contribution to society - 365 days a year, most years (we stretch to 366 days a year now and then for reasons we haven't quite understood).


Earth to be Recycled makes a great gift for friends and for yourself





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