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Labour to impose a supertax on bingo



Government sources have confirmed that the government is running out of ways to scar the poor, penalise the old and disenfranchise the disabled.  Despite all their best efforts they have raped, pillaged and censored the weak and the worthy alike.  Their last, best hope is to raise the taxes on bingo halls, targeting the lower paid and most easily distracted elements in society.


'It is well known that the lower paid, the under-educated and those who seek inexpensive light relief from caring duties like to spend time in bingo halls.  They are our target victims - er - audience, so we will make their miserable lives more miserable.  It's the least we can do, and the least is definitely what we want to do,' said a government spokesman today.


Your moggy has made enough rat sacrifices to summon Cat God.




Unbeknownst to you, your cat has accumulated enough dead woodland folk, to make a portal through to 2,000 BC.  What may have seemed like an indiscriminate murder-spree was, in fact, an elaborate series of blood sacrifices to summon Bast and all her furry minions.


Bast is best remembered as a fertility Goddess, but what is less well known is her power over can-openers. Asked why your cat also stole your calamari supper and then shat on your duvet, she replied: ‘Yeah, that time, I was trying to summon Cthulhu’.







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