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Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."


While sitting at the Christmas table urgent orchestral music kicked in, informing Jordan that his destiny was elsewhere. The turkey started glitch‑nagging, saying “You should really get back to the main road.” All these portents were complemented by an email entitled – "Main Quest: Still waiting for you. Anytime. No rush. It’s only the fate of the world."


Jordan was philosophical – "Bit of a coincidence,” he muttered, turning around to go do the thing the developers wanted him to do all along. He just couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he wasn’t the hero of the quests, he was just an NPC.



Medics concerned that Trump is becoming more sane

Medics, homeopaths, alternative health practitioners and witches are concerned about the President's mental health.


One quack doctor told us, 'I monitor what the President says and does very closely, for my podcast. It is very clear that the flow of lies, untruths, half-truths and utter nonsense is changing. The volume of nonsense is diminishing. And markedly. He doesn't spout total guff with the same volume or frequency or enthusiasm as before. The contributions aren't as batshit crazy as they were.


'It seems clear that something is going on inside the Presidential bonce. As the direction of travel seems positive, veering back towards established knowledge, truths and behaviours, we are increasingly worried that Donald J Trump is going sane.


'Fortunately, in the USA, the treatment for sanity is exactly the same as the treatment for insanity, so there won't be any need to change Donald's meds.'


Toddler savaged by government watchdog



There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a government watchdog that had been left free to roam in a London Park.


The toddler, who hasn't been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored almost to the point of death by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.


The mite was also badly mauled in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so pissed on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn't know if they wanted a shit or haircut.


The child's mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night. "It's every parent's worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.


'We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there's just no way now. She's so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4 and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.'




First published 30 Dec 2021


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