Amazon has launched a submarine delivery service following a widely publicised photo shoot on the Essex mudflats. The service, Amazon Slime, will use a fleet of specially adapted Amazonphibious vans that can avoid tax at depths of up to a thousand metres and can emerge from the water and take to the road.
Amazon Slime’s marketing director Nat Nautilus said: “This has been in development for some time and we’re delighted to formally announce this enhancement of our existing Prime service. With traffic on our motorways at unprecedented levels we’re discovering that the coastal route is often quicker.”
Where possible the adapted vans can also use the UK’s river network to make their deliveries. As news has spread crowds now line the banks of the River Severn to see Amazon Slime vans surf the Severn Bore. Local historian and Severn bore, Nigel Jones, sets this in historical context, although people have usually left by then.
Image: WixAI
The economic outlook is bleaker than ever, there’s no fresh food available in the shops, and even if there were you couldn’t afford to buy any. Save a few pounds with these handy hints:
1. Next time your cat brings home a dead rodent, don’t get annoyed - think of it as free meat. It probably tastes like chicken, so chuck it in a casserole. It’s about time puss started to earn his keep - cat food is expensive. You might con the kids into eating unbranded cereal by decanting it into an old Kellogg’s box, but you’ll never persuade Tiddles to eat cheap food. If you buy Lidl Kitty Feast you’ll only end up feeding it to the family disguised as fish pie - again.
2. Sneak into your neighbour’s garden, and run a hosepipe from his outdoor tap into your bathroom. It won’t be much fun having a cold bath, but at least it’s free.
3. Don’t use the vacuum cleaner – inhale deeply, and suck the fluff off the carpet yourself. This will save electricity, and you’ll be so full of dust and pet hairs that you’ll be able to skip lunch.
4. If all your bills are online, switch back to receiving paper bills through the post. You can’t afford to pay them, but you can burn the bills and the envelopes to keep warm, or eat them to stave off hunger.
5. You can no longer afford to take the kids to the hairdresser, so cut their hair yourself using a pudding bowl and the kitchen scissors. They’ll probably end up looking a bit ‘special needsy’, but that might lead to them qualifying for free school meals, so it will be worth them getting bullied a bit.
6. Don’t throw the kids’ hair clippings away - make a couple of draught excluders by cutting the legs off a pair of old tights and stuffing them with the kids’ hair and clumps of your own, which thanks to malnutrition is falling out in handfuls. Wear the rest of the trousers as a hat, to keep your balding head warm.
7. If the kids can’t get free school meals, fill an empty toothpaste tube with glue, and tell them to brush their teeth. Once they’ve glued their mouths shut they won’t be able to eat, so you’ll save loads on your grocery shop. When they start to faint with hunger, feed them soup through a nasal tube.
Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered, or criminal charges brought against any readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.
First published 28 Feb 2023
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