'Here's to ABBsent friends!', the audience were heard to be chanting opening concert by the 70s singing quartet who...er...weren't actually there but will still be winners by taking it all financially.
The singers' failure to be present in person, but just as ABBAtars rather than ABBA stars, is being described as an ABBeration.
First published 28 May 2022
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A peace deal is imminent, says Donald Trump. It's so imminent that it might happen in the next five minutes. It's even more imminent that yesterday's imminent peace deal and the one from the day before that.
It could be agreed in a flash, says the President. All that's needed is for Iran to stop demanding stupid things for themselves, and agree to give us the very sensible things that we want. What is the matter with them? Has religious extremism damaged their brains?
Every time the oil price rises, or the stock market falls, I feel that the peace deal is coming closer again. And when I say that, the oil price falls and the stock market rises, so it must be true. Ordinary billionaires can't make political donations without their stock market income, so we need to look after them.
People are wrong about me being impotent. They're not pronouncing it right. It's pronounced 'I'm potent', which is very similar to imminent.
So peace is imminent. Cheaper gas is imminent. Complete and total capitulation by Iran is imminent. New highs for BitCoin are imminent. Lots more money is also very imminent. Here endeth the lesson. Praise the Lord and Allahu Akbar.
Press Release - unembargoed. For immediate release now, and for further releases (with some words changed) every time the oil price goes up.
Tony Blair has left a huge neoliberal turd festering in Keir Starmer's toilet on a recent visit to Downing Street, it has been revealed.
Sources close to the PM say the large brown trout dumped by the former PM is proving extremely hard to flush away, even with the assistance of a wire coat hanger and a large bucket of cold water, and is causing chaos in Number 10.
The news is a further blow to Sir Keir, coming just a day after the ex-PM and Labour leader published a near 6,000 word essay on 'what is Labour doing wrong, why I remain the best leader ever, and why my tech bro mates should be allowed to take over the world' on the fiercely independent Tony Blair Institute for Global Change website.
'This steaming turd has the potential to derail the PM, for sure', said one Starmer loyalist - though it wasn't clear if he meant the actual turd or Tony Blair. 'Keir's bowel movements are as regular as his pronouncements about how real change has already taken place since he was elected PM. Tony's er . . . intervention . . . is therefore extremely unhelpful, as well as being rather smelly'.
Both Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham have promised to remove the stench if elected, although Blair has suggested that neither of them has the skills required to shift the huge cable that he has laid and that they are all just going through the motions.
