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Johnson to change deadly sins system to five



The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out".


Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on about."


With lust and gluttony already numbered, sloth and pride - described by Mr Johnson as "good, Conservative values" are thought to be next, although the introduction of "not taking one for the prime-minister" as a new sin is being considered.




First published 30 May 2022


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Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

"We can think of no better way of drawing international tourists to the North-West of England," said a spokes-fridge magnet for Visit Britain, "than to build a large glass bowl around the ancient edifice of Carlisle Castle, flood it, and then put in a school of goldfish.


"The castle may have been an important defensive structure in the Middle Ages, guarding the border with Scotland," it continued, "but this is the 21st Century and it must move with the times.


This initiative will put Carlisle on the world map, and be a treat for hundreds of Cyprinidae."


"If they say this is the way for Carlisle to revive its economy, then so be it," said the town's mayor, "but local residents aren't happy at the prospect of living in the shadow of a vast medieval-themed aquarium. We're not Dubai, you know."


Visit Britain has been told it must keep up with all the eye-catching gimmicks coming out of the Middle East tourist trap Dubai, which has just built a life size replica of itself in the desert.


Other schemes for the UK include putting the Houses of Parliament inside a snow globe and turning Keir Starmer into a souvenir teddy bear.



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