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Protestor with ‘papulation receptionists’ banner arrested by the Anagram Police

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An elite squad of cryptic crossword solvers has been recruited to police Britain’s growing menace: vicars and retired accountants hellbent on supporting proscribed organisation P_________n A____n.


‘Normally they’d be solving complex yet comfortingly non-violent murders’, a police spokesman told us. ‘You know the sort of thing – Oxbridge lecturer poisoned with curare, wealthy businessman dies inside locked room – proper puzzles.


‘We got through the first wave of terror supporters fairly easily: their banners just said “I support Palestine Action” so we knew we could arrest them. Then they started getting whimsical, with stuff like: “I don’t support Palestine Inaction” – we considered consulting a lawyer, but then thought: “fuck it” and arrested them anyway. I’ve never held with lady vicars’.


Now the evil pensioners have resorted to wordplay, forcing police to put numerous cosy murder mysteries on hold while they protect the public from the imminent threat of genocide-dislikers.


‘We don’t make the law’, the spokesman said, ‘we just enforce it. Selling weapons to a genocidal regime is perfectly legal and the sooner these cardboard-wielding fanatics realise that, the better. Bastards’.




Starmer 'forgot' he was supposed to be a cult leader

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'To be honest, he thought it was a typo originally, and therefore considered he was doing ok,' said a spokesman when asked why Labour hadn't followed the other parties down the cult route started by Johnson with his three word slogans and industrial scale grift.


'Wacky hairstyles can be a good sign of being a cult, look at Argentina's leader,' pointed out the spokesman.  'Wielding a chainsaw helps, too,' he added.


The main feature of cults is that they rarely exist if and when the leader of the cult is no longer available.


'Do you think "Your Party" will be around long if Jeremy Corbyn retires?  Or worse, gets a daytime TV slot presenting Ground Force?' asked a political expert with more than twenty followers on Twitter, also known as 'Why'.


'Will the Republicans continue if Trump loses his marbles?' he asked, putting a hand up to his ear.  'I might have to get back to you on that one,' he said.


'What chance of Reform continuing if Nigel Farage gets offered the multi-million evening talk show on Fox in the US?  Or someone finds out why he said the same things Nathan Gill said for the Russian's roubles, but only apparently for free?  Or if anyone goes remotely into that Clacton house purchase? Put it this way, insiders believe he's already bought shares in a sack making company, with sacks big enough for rats to fight in.  I'd suggest investing in popcorn manufacturing as well,' he added.


'And what about the Greens?  Zack Polanski is driving up the membership and is in touching distance of appearing on Laura Kuenssberg to be talked over.  If he decided to go back to hypnotising women to believe they can think their boobs bigger, where will the greens be?


'Ed Davey might be replaceable for the Lib Dems, but who wants to risk life and limb representing them?'


'So that only leaves Labour and as was pointed out, they forgot to elect a cult leader, which makes them a boring outlier in today's British politics and may condemn them to still being here in four years time,' said the expert.


'The Conservatives?  The people who replaced their cult leader with Truss, Sunak and now Badenoch?  Have you seen the party conference?  No, for them it was definitely a typo!'




Jenrick's speech 'sounded better in the original German'

Some people may have listened to the speech Robert Jenrick gave to the Tory party conference with mounting alarm, said a spokesman for Lebensraum Translation Services, "especially when he screeched the words: 'Let us fight for a better future! Let us build this new order! Let's take our country back!'


"To the ordinary fellow, this may have sounded like an annoyingly ambitious pipsqueak of a politician veering dangerously into hard right territory in a desperate attempt to capture the leadership of his party.


"However, if you translate these words back into the original German, as they were spoken in a Munich beer hall in the late 1920s, they take on an entirely different meaning.


"The speaker, sickened by a humiliating defeat, promises to lead his people on the high road back to glory. That's also true for Jenrick, but in German it sounds sort of operatic.


"I mean, at least that guy believed in something - which is a notch up on Herr Jenrick. You'd need a cryogenic transmission electron microscope to even get close to discovering a single sincere belief in Herr Jenrick's head.


"Now I just need to translate this last gem from the great future Tory leader's lips - 'Gott in Himmel, wo ist all der Weissfolk in that godforsaken dump, Handsworth?'


"Oh, dear. That bit doesn't sound too great in anyone's language, does it?"




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