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A family outing isn't cheap these days and keeping the kids amused during the school holidays is difficult. But there are things that you can do that won't break the bank.


Our top recommendation is to join a protest. There are plenty of disgruntled people out there so there are plenty of protests to choose from. You can usually join in for free, although you will need a budget for making placards. Take packed lunches to keep costs down.


Chanting outside hotels is pretty dull, but you could consider turning up with placards complaining about cold breakfasts, inadequate cleaning and uncomfortable beds. That should confuse the tattooed masses who are complaining about asylum seekers.


It's traditional on bank holidays to complain about traffic. Why not join a drivers' go slow on the M5, M1 or M4? To be fair, this won't be a top choice for your kids.


Why not start a protest outside a festival about the price of tickets? Maybe a famous band will take pity on you and pay for you to go in? If you can't get in, you will probably still hear most of the headline acts anyway. Let your kids choose the festival so that they can hear their favourite bands.


Student protests are a bust during summer as university campuses are empty. Save your ideas about protesting free speech or wokery or poor student support until the new term.


If you're in the country you should be able to join a protests about inheritance tax or electricity pylons or solar farms. It's always fun to watch farmers spraying council buildings with slurry, but remember to stand back. Maybe stay away from protests about too many Airbnb properties destroying rural life. Hunt saboteurs aren't so lively these days, but you might be able to join in with badger protection or burning down second homes.


Finally, we suggest avoiding anti-capitalist and extinction rebellion protests. And steer clear of Palestiny stuff too. No-one wants to wake up in a cell on Bank Holiday Tuesday.



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Emboldened by the success of other genocidal maniacs, Halflings have decided to segregate New Zealand between those who get second breakfast and those that don’t. These little settlers have evicted rabbits from their holes and renamed the country Greater Shire.


Hobbits assert that New Zealand is their spiritual home, despite their European origins, and insist that ordinary bigfolk be purged. Pipe-smoking and gardening will be available to everyone, provided they are shorter than four foot and have hairy feet. When asked why they were killing innocent women and children, the hobbits claimed that Gandalf made them do it.


The US vetoed any attempt to block the hobbits and condemned the International Crimes Court for suggesting that hobbits were in the pay of Sauron. The US ambassador said: ‘It is anti-halfling to criticise the Greater Shire and they have every right to turn Gondor into a mole hill’. When asked, Smaug said: ‘I warned you.’




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In a bold move which will save approximately £17.50 per year, the UK government has announced the immediate closure of the UK Space Agency (UKSA), citing ‘unnecessary duplication’ with the British ability to look upwards in awe during cloudy evenings.


A government spokesman explained, “We’re not really in the business of sending people into orbit anymore. Tim Peake has already done it, and to be honest, we didn’t know what to do with him afterwards. Tim’s a lovely chap, but we can’t just keep firing him into the sky every time morale dips.”


The UKSA, established to give Britain a voice in the global space race, will now be merged into the Department for Levelling Down, which has promised to ‘repurpose any leftover rockets into affordable housing’. Critics argue that axing the agency will set back the UK’s technological ambitions by decades. In response, ministers pointed out that ‘we’ve still got a telescope in Greenwich, and if anyone wants to see the view from space, Google Earth is free’.


The government has also hinted at a new strategy: instead of launching satellites, the UK will ‘borrow Wi-Fi from France’ and rely on Elon Musk’s Starlink, provided he accepts payment in Nectar points. When asked about the broader vision for Britain’s role in space exploration, the Prime Minister was bullish: “Why aim for the Moon when you can take a coach trip to Skegness? It’s cheaper, safer, and you don’t need a spacesuit - although a raincoat is advisable.”


Meanwhile, the few remaining UKSA employees have reportedly been reassigned to monitor seagulls at Dover, in case they start looking ‘a bit too extra-terrestrial’. The Department for Levelling Down is rumoured to have considered launching rockets full of asylum seekers into orbit as a ‘two-birds-one-stone’ solution, but the idea was scrapped after Treasury officials pointed out that launching rockets costs more than housing asylum seekers in Premier Inns.




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