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A BBC investigation has found that a Ventnor man was tricked into buying a football club, a high street retailer and a discredited celebrity by an unscrupulous estate agent.


He expected to use his life savings as a deposit on a two bed roomed former council house in Ventnor, but got more than he bargained for.


Colin Stale, 57, says that he was taken advantage of.  ‘The estate agent was keen to sell me the house.  And a mortgage.  And home insurance.  And a full survey.  And rentcharge indemnity insurance.  And a timeshare in Nigeria.  And Chancel Repair Insurance.  And a leasehold staircase in Grenfell Tower.  He was very persuasive.


‘At the completion stage I signed all the papers like the estate agent said.  It was only later that I discovered that I’d bought Oldham Athletic on hire-purchase, four branches of WH Smith, and a twelve percent interest in Gregg Wallace.  It also turned out that I’d signed a non-disclosure agreement and that I’d admitted to kidnapping and eating Shergar.


‘That estate agent is a cheeky wotsit.  He contacted me later and asked if I had any money left over to buy Waterloo Bridge and a collection of Jeffrey Epstein memorabilia. I was tempted, but I said no. The payments on Oldham Athletic are using up most of my pension already.’


The estate agent is not giving any interviews, but has provided a written statement saying that all his business dealings are regulated by the Imaginary Finance Council and the Financial Standards Board of Narnia, and that it was caveat emptor, it wasn’t him, and he wasn’t there.  He did say that, if we were interested, he could offer a really nice one-time-only deal on a two-up, two-down slightly used nuclear power station in Cumbria – a fixer-upper, apparently.



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In a striking, powerful move, epitomising strength and certainty, Trump has given Putin only 50 days to reply to his Peace Deal suggestions. This obviously doesn’t include weekends, that would be crazy. If Putin fails to meet this Red Line in the Sand order, then he will be given only two months to explain the delay. If no reply is received in this critical period, then Trump will have no other option but to escalate this to a further two months.

If no acceptable response is obtained, then Trump will have little choice but to declare the start of Operation Waiting Eagle, which will instantly start within 2 weeks and take 1 to 9 months of shock and awe standing around. Elite negotiation teams will directly amble towards empty meeting rooms in nice hotels in Switzerland and see if anyone Russian turns up.


Failure by Russia to acknowledge they even have spoken with the US will mean a Final Warning will be drafted and sent to Putin’s last known address and should be expected in 5-8 working days. Barring delays from holidays and if anyone important is off ill, then this will promptly start the 10 day countdown to WAITCON Grey, the blandest Waiting Readiness Condition. This means maximum waiting preparedness is achieved and signifies a high potential for a pre-conference or a casual chat outside a meeting room. Let's see how Putin will handle that.


As Trump thought about doing something on Day One of his presidency, he feels he has fully met his election promise of peace in Ukraine.



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In the wake of report which criticised the BBC for broadcasting a documentary about Gaza, and for its handling of allegations against the Masterchef presenter, it has decided to kill two birds with one stone by sending Gregg Wallace to Gaza.


”Never again will they be able to say we didn’t investigate the background of the person presenting the documentary,” said a suit today. “In this case, we knew with 100% certainty he was someone we wanted to put in harm’s way as soon as possible.”


Wallace’s first report from the war-torn region consisted of the chirpy slaphead commenting “Blimey, there’s not much grub about… I fought you lot was all into falafels or kebabs or summink?”


He then stumbled onto a food distribution point thought to be used as a killzone by the IDF, though the BBC were at pains to stress they only have Hamas’s word for that, unless you count hundreds of hours of footage of starving Palestinians being shot.


Wallace’s bodycam went dark soon after that, his microphone picking up last words that seemed to be something to do with his aunt’s fanny.


Meanwhile his Masterchef co-presenter John Torode was in trouble for a message he sent Wallace encouraging him not to let the “ragheads” get him down.



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