We were warned about Clippy!

As Artificial Intelligence is embedded in every aspect of your life, from your allegedly smart watch, your Sky Glass TV, the algorithm that's supposed to ensure you can make a GP appointment (but still fails more miserably than Wes Streeting on Question Time) it is becoming increasingly obvious that while AI is going to dominate every aspect, it will inevitably screw it all up.

Try asking Alexa for tomorrow's weather - highly precise, hugely detailed, completely wrong. Just take a brolly, even if it looks like a heatwave, regardless of what she says. Plan for hypothermia, sunburn and wear diving boots in case the wind speed reported is two hundred miles an hour slower than reality.

Sit down too quickly and your Apple Watch will decide you've had a fall and will automatically call an ambulance using the new AI powered NHS system. Don't worry about wasting resources - the self-driven AI powered ambulance won't set off for another three days, will need to be over-ridden by the paramedics and will arrive at the wrong house. With luck someone else living in that house will need medical aid, but don't worry because the app will have informed your employer you are dead and your job will have been off-shored to a cloud-based server experienced, apparently, in machining wood and fabricating garden sheds.

Of course do write a letter of complaint, a request to be reinstated and a demand that you are not cremated until an actual doctor examines you but the AI processer in your PC will screw all of these up and you will find yourself taking out a loan for twice the value of your house at an interest rate three times your age.

We were warned. Microsoft bundled their vision of AI years ago in Word and Excel, called it Clippy, tried to make it look fun and useful but found everybody turned it off as an annoying addition - of course I'm writing a bloody letter, that's why I've written 'Dear Sir' at the top and 'Fuck you, arsehole' at the bottom. We didn't learn then, we're not learning now.

Got to go, an ambulance has just pulled up outside my house. I didn't ask for one, but I think I'm about to have a heart attack. Thank God for AI.

https://pixabay.com/photos/board-card-chip-computer-data-22098/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Spiteful Starmer creates Four Tier Justice

After being falsely accused of creating a two tier justice system, Starmer makes a four tier League of Justice, just out of spite and sponsor money.

Sailing very close to several major DC Comics copyright infringements, this new League of Justice will be the Crown of the Prosecution World, to be envied by all other nations until it is bought by Saudi Arabia.

The Premiership Justice

This is clearly for only the best of the best of the rich. You need a lot of money to maintain this level of highly proficient justice and it can be both spectacular and overrated. The sponsor money alone even surpasses the TV rights. If you want good seats, Starmer knows a guy.

Championship Justice

The kind of justice that people expect, solid, not exciting and having mostly expected results. It is limited in size, and it is a massive problem if you don’t qualify for it. Again, money gets you the good results.

League 1 Justice

Not going to lie, the colour of the your skin is a factor here. The justice is not massively technical and it is hard going, if you have a poor defence, you will be punished with route one justice, straight to prison.

League 2 Justice

This level of justice is the most difficult to get out of, you can be left floundering for years or just drop out of it completely, totally ignored. It is not pretty to witness but there can be odd moments of joy, sometimes on a rainy Tuesday evening, a long way from home.

If you can’t even get into these tiers, you end up with the Non-Justice League, it's madness, shear bloody madness.

https://pixabay.com/photos/justice-statue-lady-justice-2060093/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

British Tennis Academy to focus on “choking”

The newly set-up British Tennis Academy published its syllabus today, revealing that in addition to the usual tennis skills and fitness training, it will teach a module on “choking”.

'Choking is obviously a crucial part of the British game,' said Head Coach Mark St-Spencers. 'But people imagine it somehow comes naturally and doesn’t require my work. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Granted serving a series of double faults is easy enough in itself, but what takes years to learn is exactly when to do it. Do it too early, and you never build up that doomed anticipation and forlorn hope that maybe, just maybe, a British player might win. You become just another Brit who crashed out during the first week of whichever tournament.

“But leave it too late, of course, and you might actually win. Which would be… well, to be honest I’m not sure what that would be like. But certainly not in the British tradition of gallant failure.”

When reminded of Andy Murray’s success at Wimbledon and elsewhere, St-Spencers said: 'Yes, I thought you might bring him up. And yes, no doubt he was very good in his way, though I for one am glad I no longer have to pretend that I accept Scots as "one of us".'

'I was worried his young brother Jamie might go on to be successful too, but he seems to be a busted flush, thank God.'

Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash