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ITV launches ITVBradley

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British broadcaster ITV today launched their newest channel ITVBradley on Freeview and Satellite, which is dedicated entirely to airing shows starring Bradley Walsh.


"We're giving the people what we presume they want; all Bradley, all day, every day!" said a spokesman. "It all came about entirely by chance, as during a meeting last week we were discussing who is going to present our inevitable remake of Strike It Lucky, and obviously Bradley's name came up first before Stephen Mulhern and Alan Carr. Someone remarked that he'd been on so much we could fill a channel with his shows, and just like that ITVBradley was born!"


"Despite what it sounds like, we're going to have a very varied schedule; in the morning we'll be showing the Wheel of Fortune episodes he presented, then a few instalments from Coronation Street when he was Danny Baldwin, then a four-hour block of The Chase because surely no-one is sick of it by now. We'll finish off in the evening with either Bradley Walsh & Son: Breaking Dad, Law and Order UK or that shit Darling Buds of May remake from a couple of years back. Of course we'll show movies, but since the only one he did was Mike Bassett: England Manager it'll just be that every Saturday night"


The news was met with mixed reactions from people, with one member of the public stating "he seems to be on bloody everything these days. The other day someone asked when was the last solid day of TV without him on any channel, and we were honestly stumped. ITV love him, BBC love him, Challenge seem to f**king adore him given how many Chase marathons they air! They're even trying to make his son famous now, so he clearly knows where the bodies are buried."


ITVBradley's launch comes hot on the heels of the launch of ITVCrime, a channel dedicated to the endless crime dramas that they insist on shoving down our throats all the time.



UK to buy 'pre-loved' nuclear plants

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In view of the whopping cost of building new nuclear power plants - £14bn for Sizewell C, for example - the UK is also exploring cheaper options.


'We are looking to buy some slightly used nuclear power plants from Germany,' said a government spokeswoman. 'They are in good condition, one careful owner, full service history and an excellent safety record. Germany only stopped using them for political reasons, and not for safety reasons. Definitely not.


'As the UK is technically outside the EU, any electricity generated will have to be marked NOT FOR EU. We are working on how to do that. Shouldn't be a problem.


'Our German sellers have insisted on a buyer collects approach. We will dismantle the power stations, wrap each component in bubble wrap and aluminium foil and bring them all back to the UK on commercial ferries or by using Deutsche Post, who are very efficient. For the fuel rods we will probably hire a van. This will save us a lot of money and it will all be PERFECTLY SAFE.'


'We will reassemble the pieces to make Hinckley Point D and Sizewell D power stations. If all goes well then they should be operational by 2045, or 2055 at the latest. And we will save enough money to reinstate some of the cuts to Disability benefits.


'Probably.'



Labour to blame for record low Full Moon, says Kemi

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"Keir Starmer should be utterly ashamed that this month's Strawberry Moon has plummeted to the lowest point for a Full Moon since 2006," said Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch. "This is due to a 'major lunar standstill' which Labour was totally responsible for and did nothing to prevent," continued Ms Badenoch, in between wild howls at the Moon. "We Conservatives pledge that we will take the British Moon back to its rightful place in the heavens," she said, standing on a bare hillside and ranting at the sky.


"It is because of 14 years of Tory rule that the Moon has sunk to this abject level," replied Sir Keir Stargazer, "but under Labour, you will see it steadily return to its former heights. That might actually be the biggest thing we'll have to crow about, come the next election."


"With the Moon this low, there's never been a better opportunity to put doughty British astronauts on its surface," said Reform leader Nigel Fruitcake. "They could virtually jump there.


"Just call 0800-LOONYTUNES and pledge 50 bitcoins to the Reform UK Moonshot Fund to hear me talk and talk about it, c/o my closed down Coutts account."



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