Sales surge in sex toys for pets

Stagnating UK growth has been rescued from the jaws of meh by the phenomenal performance of the pet sex toy sector.

Formerly a duopoly, the industry is now dominated by just one conglomerate with a logo banned in every county of Wales. Sex Toys 4 Pets is now so successful, it has overtaken cryptocurrency to become the fastest growing market in Somerset.

Donkey Cockrings Account Manager, Ethel Montgomery said, 'We can't keep up with demand. Pre-orders of tortoise anal beads have gone through the roof, and we've had to hire twenty thousand new employees today just to process budgerigar clitoris stimulator complaints.

'Our PR department, which is currently the size of Argyll and Bute, has told me to clearly state that the complaints are not from budgerigars themselves. They are very satisfied. The dissatisfaction is predominantly from owners of parakeets, exasperated at the current absence of a specific product for their pets.

'They need not worry, as we have just opened up a new factory employing the entire population of Arbroath, and following checks at our Westward Ho! quality control laboratory, shipments should begin next Tuesday.'

It's not all good news, though. Exports of lesbian goldfish double-ended dildos to Bulgaria have slumped after a report generated by artificial intelligence panicked investors with false claims about an inability to perform in moist conditions.

Jemima Horn, founder of Sex Toys 4 Pets, allayed fears by confirming, 'B-tranche shares on the Singapore stock exchange have surged overnight on news that global growth will quadruple next month as we enter farm animals. Predictions say that we will dominate sheep, and the excitement among pig farmers is a word which has not been invented yet.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/dog-obedient-pet-training-animal-7580703/

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Trump Congratulates Pope Leo

As news of the newly-elected Pope reached The White House, a press-conference was convened so the President could congratulate the new Pope personally, via news media from many many many miles away.

‘Pope Leo – you hear that? Pope Leo they’re calling him. Because he’s a lion - Rawwrrr. An American lion – a beautiful American lion.  He roars. Did you know that? Yeah he roars -  Rawrrrr. That’s him. That’s how he roars. Pope Leo, the king of the Vatican jungle. Not King of Heaven though – that’s God – that’s the big guy. And not King of the Jews – that’s the other big guy. The not-quite-as-big-as-the-big-guy-but-still-a-big-guy guy.

'Pope Leo’s great. Isn’t Pope Leo great? Pope Leo’s great. He’s got a hot-line to God – you know that? You hear that? A hot-line to God. I’m guessing it’s like the red phone I use to call Batman. You remember that? When Joker was causing trouble? And I called Batman in? Where was I? Where did I go? You’ve never seen me and Batman in the same room together – that’s all I’m saying. I’m not saying anything - That’s all I’m saying.’

After a two-handed sip from a Tommy tippee cup, Trump returned to the matter at hand.

'Finally, God’s justice has been done and the Pope is a citizen of the United States of America. For years we’ve trusted in God – it’s even on our money - and finally. Finally. Our faith has been rewarded. I’ve already sent an e-mail to Pope Leo the lion asking him to ask God to use his magic woo-woo powers to build a great, godly wall on our border with Mexico. And I’m feeling good about it. I’m feeling good. Are you feeling good? You should be feeling good. I’m feeling good.

'So finally, in closing, and to conclude, I’m looking forward to Pope Lionel inviting me to an all expenses paid state visit to the Vatican. I’m looking forward to arranging for him to visit Area 51 in exchange for a tour around the Vatican vaults. We have some awesome alien technology – did you know that? We have some awesome alien technology – it’s alien technology, and it’s awesome. That’s the best kind of awesome alien technology. And we could integrate some of this awesome alien technology that we have, into his little Pope-car. Anti-gravity pads and stun rays. All I ask in return is the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. That’s all. I promise – I promise. You have my word as someone who may or may not be Batman, that I will not ever, ever use these items for nefarious means. Our current shenanigans with China have no bearing on this negotiation at all.’

At this point a random bolt of lightening appeared within the room and struck the President right in the head. Whitehouse medical staff were on hand immediately, after being briefed that this sort of thing was likely to happen.

New American Pope to impose tariffs on other religions

In his first act as Pope, the American Robert Francis Prevost has declared that he will impose tariffs on other religions competing with the Catholic Church for the devotion of followers.

‘We need to reset the religious economy, put our church first and Make Catholicism Great Again’, he said, pulling a branded ‘MCGA’ mitre onto his head.

‘Any non Catholics visiting the Vatican City will face tariffs of 120%,’ he declared, unveiling a white board setting out the tariffs that will apply to each religion. ‘ We're making an exemption for Buddhists who will only pay 10% as no one can seriously consider them a threat.’

Other innovations expected from the first American Pope include the construction of a wall around the Vatican City to control immigration, and a new Climate Change Denial initiative which will see the year-round emission of both white and black smoke from all papal buildings.

In his final word at his first press conference, the Pope confirmed he hadn’t ruled out sending cardinals to Greenland to capture the territory by force

story by @herculepoisson

Photo by Coronel G on Unsplash